Freeze Frame

Gone away for the summer

2010-06-05T11:59:00.002+02:00

Well, not gone away, I am still around. Just warning you that updates will be less than weekly, apparently starting several weeks ago, for some time yet. Nothing serious, just stuff to do. Julia bet me that I could not compose a guitar-song in esperanto, so not only do I have to learn Esperanto, I have to learn to play guitar. I got a guitar, but apparently it is not as easy to play as Eric Johnson makes it look. I still need a name for my guitar. That is an important part. I am thinking Marlee. Or Lady Sally, something like that. Anyway, I will be back when I am done. See you.

A Perfect Brainstorm

2010-04-24T11:59:00.000+02:00

Young: I think you are all wondering why I called you here today.
Julia: To talk about ways to improve your Blog?
Young: Exactly. Bright girl.
Ashley: You wrote it on the blackboard. Where did you get that, anyway?
Young: I know a guy.
Ashley: A guy who sells blackboards?
Young: Yes. Well, a guy who was fired from Glenn Beck. Alright, ideas. There are no stupid ideas. Except those of the boards former owner.
Mark: Make it more like The Boondocks.
Young: A subtle satire of the interplay between races and their cultures?
Mark: I was thinking more racial humour. I can call you Crackers as much as I want, because I am also white. And I know a black guy, and he might give me permission to use that special word that they always beat up your cousin Heinrich for using.
Young: Thank you, Whitey Shafer, for that example of a stupid and quite possibly racist idea. And I doubt that anything gives you a free pass. What else.
Julia: Ponies!
Young: Next.
Ashley: A longer, more coherent story filled with subplots that intertween and eventually smashes together towards the end?
Young: I don't wanna write all that down.
Mark: These two in bikinis.
Young: Ashley.

¨
*Ashley broke the taperecorder on Marks head, after this, so the rest of the meeting was not recorded*

Momento-us question

2010-04-03T15:57:00.002+02:00

You know that desease from Momento, where you can only remember a few minutes at a time? My cousin Harold got that. He bumped his head and spend a week at the hospital, and has been calling around to thank people for the letters and flowers he got while he was there. My question is, how long before it is okay to ignore his calls. I mean, he has been calling to thank me for the letter every day for almost two years, now, which is a lot of gratitude for a yellow stickynote that says "Get well" on it. My mother changed her number, but that is not an option for me, as I worked hard and bribed many to get a number that kinda spells my name. A couple of letters are missing, since my name is longer than a standard phonenumber, but they were unwilling to give me a special long number.

Another movienight

2010-03-27T16:21:00.002+01:00

Went to the cinema, yesterday. I saw Avatar. Well, since I can't actually go to the cinema and watch Avatar, I saw half hour of the home-shopping network, an episode of the Smurfs and Dances with Wolves. I haven't figured out how to do the 3D effects yet, so I just wore sunglasses.

I am thinking about wathing Sherlock Holmes. Well, Snatch and an episode of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, anyway.

I have been warned that I should stop making fun of Sex and the City

2010-03-13T11:59:00.000+01:00

And that if I should ever again suggest that when Sarah Jessica Parker and her husband have an intimate moment the theme from "The Lone Ranger" plays, I will be beaten to a bloody pulp by an enraged flock of women.

Been watching some TV

2010-03-06T11:59:00.001+01:00

I have been watching some Sex and the City, and I think I know what it is about. It is about four elderly prostitutes, trying to have sex with everybody in the city of New York, hence the title. There are four maincharacters: Old Whore, The Horse, The Redhead and the Dull One. Then there is Gay Friend, who is the only guy in the tri-state area they have not had sex with. Not for a lack of trying. There is also Redheads Babbydaddy, Wienerguy. The Horse writes some sort of newspaper column, or she probably dictates, it must be hard to write with hoofs. I am not sure if the Dull One is filling her quota, but The Whore goes way above and beyond the call of duty. And they get nude a lot. A whole lot. Especially Old Whore. And that is about is. There are some sexscenes, then people talk about sex, then they have some more sex, then they talk about it again. Then they seduce a guy, have sex with him and talk about the sex. The end. Every episode.

Operation Rockin' Out

2010-02-27T11:59:00.002+01:00

Ashley: What the hell is that noise? Is that Led Zeppelin?
Young: Denby. He is trying to smoke me out, Noriega style.
Ashley: But you love Led Zeppelin. You once tried to lure Jimmy Page over here, by writing him a letter claiming that there would be groupies and cocain in the diningroom.
Young: I was a fool. He has enough of that at home.
Ashley: But Denby doesn't know that?
Young: If he did, I wouldn't be rockin' to the Zep right now. After this one, it is some Van Halen, and after that some Guns'n'Roses, and then it is noon and the neighbourhood rules say that you are not allowed to play rock loudly after that on a saturday.
Ashley: So it is not really that effective, since he can only do it on saturdays, between nine and noon.
Young: I learned a couple of new bands. I never really liked Ozzy before. And I never heard anything by ZZ Top. They are pretty good, actually. Metallica still sucks, though. So I yelled out, "I love Metallica", and he hasn't played any since.
Ashley: What if I want some U2, for example?
Young: Don't you dare. While I like U2, they are not exactly hard rock. This is my Rockin' Mornin'. A fitting replacement for Saturday Morning Cartoons, since they stopped showing good cartoons.
Ashley: Lets rock.

Rent-a-Room

2010-02-20T11:59:00.000+01:00

Ashley: I got this really big huge pretty-please-with-sugar on favour I need to ask.
Young: Ask away.
Ashley: You got this empty room that you don't use, right?
Young: I got two of them, why?
Ashley: Well, my parents sort of own the house I live in now, and now that I earn well, they either want me to buy it or leave so they can sell it. And I can't afford to buy and maintain a house, even if I earn pretty well, and I have been looking for apartments, but they are all a million miles away, or real crapholes, meaning that I would have a two hour commute to work or live in a craphole, but if I rent from you, I stay in town, with a fifteen minute drive.
Young: Oh, alright, Julia will hand you the official renters manual.
Ashley: Renters manual?
Young: Yes. A 350 page tome of rules, regulations, pricing, cleaning scheduals, dog walking scheduals, and music and words I do not tolerate under my roof. And if you plan on having sex, we need to be notified, to prepare ourselves for the oncoming storm of potential sex-noises. Moans, slaps, strange noises, what have you.
Ashley: Fine. Deal. Whatever. Wait, you wrote a 350 page manual just for Julia?
Young: Don't be silly. Julia is not a renter. She gets free room and board. Because she works for me.
Ashley: Alright, yes.
Young: Sign here. Excuse me, the door is ringing. Come in.
Mark: My girlfriend kicked me out.
Ashley: You lived with your girlfriend?
Young: You had a girlfriend?
Mark: No, I didn't live with her. We were together for a week. Then we broke up, and she sued me for Palimony. Got everything. All I got are these clothes and this TurboGrafx. She didn't want it.
Young: Can I have that TurboGrafx?
Mark: Sure, go right ahead. Can I crash here, for a while?
Young: Yeah, I think I got a spare room. Ask Julia for a renters manual.
Mark: Right. But if I hear as much as a single joke about me being a "rentboy", I will pound your head so hard that you will get a headache whenever you sit down.
Young: You can't. Ashleys contract clearly states that she will protect me against any and all harm, as long as she lives under my roof.
Ashley: What?
Mark: She lives here too now?
Young: Yes, two different people ask if they can rent a room for me, on the same day, minutes apart. If I did not know better, I would say that this was the work of a tired hack writer, desperate for more situations in which to put his characters.
Ashley: I will bring my stuff over, or, the stuff there is room for.
Mark: I got my stuff in this trashbag.
Young: Take the room on the left.
Mark: Left?
Young: Right.
Mark: Right?
Young: Shut up and go to your room.
Mark: To the left or right?
Young: Left.
Mark: Right.
Young: Left.
And so we continued for a few minutes, until we felt that the joke had run out of steam.

Those who can't...

2010-02-13T11:59:00.000+01:00

Ashley: You would not believe the day I have had.
Young: Welcome in, Ashley. Sit down next to me. Have a beer, tell me about it.
Ashley: I am already sitting next to you with a beer, telling you about... Oh, you. Anyway, I was told that it was not enough to swear and insult students, even though that is a big part of my job, I told him that in no uncertain terms. I have to give them something practical to do, so that I know they are doing progress. So, I had them write a paper on ancient babylonian insults.
Young: Were they big on insults?
Ashley: Yeah. There are stacks of books on the subject. I skimmed one of them, and they were filthy, those babylonians. My mom would have washed their mouths with soap, all of them, and she is a woman who casually drops f-bombs and c-words left and right. She even invented her own swear word, so nasty that I am saving it for third year students. Anyway, today the papers were delivered.
Young: So why aren't you correcting papers right now?
Ashley: Why would I do that? I got TAs to do that.
Mark: What, you give someone a peek and they do your work? Ow, that hurt.
Ashley: Teachers Assistant, and you know that. I don't want to swear, since I hate to work at home, but you should know better than to crack jokes like that.
Mark: You get it? I was talking about...
Ashley: I get it, don't make me punch you.
Mark: Because TA sounds like T'n'A, which is short for-
Ashley: I hope you learned something from that punch. Dude? Lazy, knocked-out jerk.
Young: You have to clean up after that.
Ashley: Aw, but it is his blood.
Young: You knocked it out of him.
Ashley: Aw...

Crazy like a Fox

2010-02-06T11:59:00.000+01:00

Julia: Who is that crazy guy on TV.
Young: Hm? What channel are you watching.
Julia: Fox News, it says.
Young: What guy is it? No, it doesn't matter. All of their hosts are the same. Let me explain...
Julia: I was just flipping between channels during commercials. Friends begin again in two minutes.
Young: Just long enough for me to finish my point. See, a stable of comedy, or any entertainment, is the character. Someone other than themselves for the audience to connect with. The three stooges had the Leader, the Follower and the Fool. Stephen Colbert has the well-meaning but uninformed fool. Moses Gill had someone able to lead a state...
Julia: Again with Moses Gill. Leave Moses Gill alone, he never did anything to you!
Young: Anyway, when Sean Hannity, for example, wakes up, he is Sean Hannity. When he goes on air, however, he becomes a parody of those who watch his show. A satire of his target-audience. He mirrors what he sees. An uninformed, willfully ignorant, partisan, paranoid, hatefull jerk. It is the same with all of them, almost. Gretchen Carlson was valedictorian at her high-school and went to Stanford. Now she makes a living by pretending not to be able to spell "Gretchen".
Julia: Oh, geez.
Young: Yes, it is terrible.
Julia: No, the man on TV is crying.
Young: Like a baby?
Julia: Yeah, exactly like a baby.
Young: Like a big, fat bawling baby with a bad haircut and eyes like a pig?
Julia: Yeah, exactly like that.
Young: Oh, that would be Beck. He is legally mentally disabled. They let him on air as part of a deal with an institution, in order to get the mentally disabled out into the world and work, to make them feel good about themselves. I like the throught behind it, but I am not sure that it was a good idea to have him talk politics all day. I mean, people are gonna get tired of-
Julia: Shh! Friends are back on.
Young: Alright, just gonna sit here, reading my book in peace, not saying anything.
Julia: Shut up! I think Ross and Rachel are going to get back together.
Young: For the seventeenth time?
Julia: No. Nineteenth. Shut up.

Back from holiday vacation (or, I still have a blog?)

2010-01-30T14:46:00.000+01:00

My new year promise. To write more on this blog. Heck, the entire reason for its existance is to get me to write more and I have not been holding up my end of the bargain. No sirree Bobberick. And for that, I apologize. Not to my millions of adoring readers, who love my personalized brand of eccentricity and stir-crazyness. To the blog, you see, who is probably bored out of its skull. Poor little blog, out there all alone, without even a little christmas poem to keep it up. But fear not, I am back in black. Or, black pants and a white T-shirt, anyway. It is a brand new decade. This is the future. We are living in the future. When I called to tell my sister that, I was baselessly accused of being drunk. And I had a tough time calling her a liar, since I was holding a glass of rum and coke, at the time. But I stand by my assertation. It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy. Let's go explore it. Or, you go explore, and return with your findings. I will be waiting right here. On my couch. Bring me a can of coke, if you happen to go explore the cornershop.

Educating [CENSORED]

2009-11-20T11:59:00.002+01:00

Ashley came into my house, went into the fridge, popped open a can of beer and sat down on my couch, as she usually does on a friday.
"You will not believe the day I had today", she said to me.
"Tell me about it. I have been trying to unlock characters in Mario Kart all day, but 150 cc is freakin' hard".
"So, we were asked to write a new homepage for the university. Today was the presentation. I showed up 30 minutes early, to set up the computer and the projector, and my Boss was already there. He was angry with me for now showing up an hour early, despite it only taking a few minutes to set it up. So I told my boss exactly what I throught of him. Just a long torrent of swears and insults. Like [CENSORED] and [VERY CENSORED] and [YOU BETTER BELIEVE CENSORED]".
"You don't say that about a guys grandmother. That is just plain wrong".
"Yeah, so in the middle of it, the president of the university showed up".
"He was early?"
"No, right on time. It was a lot of swears".
"Half an hour of insults?"
"No, he showed up in the middle of it. So, about an hour".
"So you were fired?"
"No, I quit. The president offered me a better job. The university is starting a new class: The Art of Insults and the Language of Swears. And I am the new teacher".
"No kiddin'?"
"Yep. Double my old salary".
"I don't see you as a teacher".
"I never even saw myself ever employed. I am a liberal arts major".
"By all rights you should be begging in the streets".
"Yep. But such is life. Cheers".

Are we men or are we mice?

2009-10-03T13:35:00.001+02:00

I am certain that that is a question that could only be answered by ways of a Cheese-off. Whoever eats the most cheese, in relation to his weight, is clearly the mousier entity.

Updatin'

2009-09-25T23:13:00.002+02:00

Julia: You get of your lazy bee-hind and update your blog!
Young: I don't wanna!
Julia: Millions of people depend on you for their weekly guffaw!
Young: No! And stop saying Guffaw.
Julia: Everybody missed you when you were on break. I was stopped by people in shops saying "Hey, when is that guy gonna update that blog".
Young: They did not. They asked "What is a blog?"
Julia: Everybody think that it is wicked cool.
Young: But I am busy.
Julia: With what?
Young: Learning the... guitar? Yeah, thats it. I am learning the guitar and have no time for blogging. Which reminds me, I need you to go buy guitarpicks.
Julia: Are you gonna send me way the heck out out town again just to get rid of me for a while.
Young: Of course not.
Julia: Can I pick where to buy the picks?
Young: No. There is great shop over in Springfield...
Julia: I knew it. That must be a hundred miles from here.
Young: 150 kilometers, give or take about 50 km.
Julia: Can't I cut up an old credit card instead?
Young: If you don't want to go to Springfield, there is a shop up in Maine...
Julia: I will go once I see the guitar.
Young: ...*tut*. I also need you to buy a guitar. That would really speed up my learning.
Julia: Nice try. Now update that blog, before your fans get nervous.
Young: Awwww...

Things of which I am certain #1

2009-09-11T11:59:00.000+02:00

That everybody between the ages of 20-30 knows the entire themesong to the classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated TV-series by heart.

A rainy day

2009-09-04T11:59:00.000+02:00

And it was rainy. Very much so. Like a tropic storm, but without the wind. So just heavy rain, really, now that I think about it.

Ashley: Yes, we get it. It is rainy outside. How long can you keep yappering about it?
Young: It is rainy, I agree. I would not like to be caught outside in weather like this.
Ashley: Where is Red at today?
Young: I sent her out of town for coffee.
Ashley: Out of town? How far out of town?
Young: 120 or so kilometers. They have a really good coffeeplace there.
Ashley: How will they even keep the coffee warm?
Young: I gave her a thermobox. And those Coffee of Doom-ladies know what they are doing, anyway.
Ashley: Coffee of Doom?
Young: So part of my coffee enjoyment comes from knowing that it comes from a cool-named place. Big deal.
Ashley: It is when you make your assistants drive halfway across the state for coffee.
Young: That is what she is paid for. Plus, she beat me at Mario Kart the other day, so I need to reaffirm that I am still the boss, even if I do have to call her Princess Julia of Rainbow Road for the next week.
Ashley: ... Rainy day.
Young: Indeed.

Celebrities will crush you!

2009-08-28T11:59:00.002+02:00

Ashley: Who are your celebrity crushes?
Julia: Michael Swaim.
Ashley: Who is Michael Swaim?
Julia: A guy who is funny on the internet. I like him.
Young: Marlee Matlin.
Ashley: That deaf woman?
Young: Yep. Smart, funny, hot. What is not to love?
Mark: Mine is Lauren Bacall?
Ashley: The actress?
Mark: Yes.
Ashley: The 85 year old actress?
Mark: 84. I like my women sassy. I wrote her a letter once.
Julia: Did she write back?
Mark: Not technically.
Ashley: Technically?
Young: Tell them.
Mark: She had a restrainingorder put on me. I can't legally go within a thousand feet of her.
Julia: Who is your crush?
Ashley: George Clooney.
Young, Mark, Julia: Ew.
Ashley: What is wrong with George Clooney?
Julia: He is old and gross.
Ashley: He had Lauren Bacall!
Mark: Don't you dare say a bad word about Lauren. I don't want to hit a woman, but I swear to God...
Young: Down there, kid. Easy. Relax. Go to your happy place. Happy place.
Mark: Sorry. Sorry. I am a bit sensitive about Lauren, is all. I am sorry you had to see that.
Ashley: Thats alright, I guess.
Mark: Sorry.

A Thunderous Day

2009-08-21T11:59:00.000+02:00

"Today is an ominous day", I said, as I was looking at the thunderstorm from my kitchenwindow.
"Do you want steak with steamed vegetables for dinner?" my assistant asked. I assumed that she had confused Ominous with Omnivore again.
"I said Ominous. It means scary and foreboding. Yep. Something is gonna go down today".
"It is just a thunderstorm. My mother told me, I shouldn't get scared. It is just a non-specific deity taking pictures of us". Julias mother was Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879 and her father was Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915, and early on they had decided that their children would be raised free of religious bickering.
"This is more than a Thunderstorm. This is big. Something is cooking".
"Cherry pie!" exclamationmarked my assistant. "It will be done in a little while".
I only heard half of what she said. I was distracted by a flock of seagulls flying above.
"Yep. Definently ominous. Even Denby packed up and went home early today". I took a sip from my teacup. "Definently".
My decided to call Grandpa. He usually knows ominous. When ominous is going down, his right knee begins to ache.
"Hi, grandma. How are you. Good, good. How is grandpas right knee? Yeah, the ominous one. Oh, that is good. His left? The Unannounced Visit from Aunt Annette And Family Early Warning Knee? Oy. Did you lock all doors, turn off the lights and retreat to the basement poolroom? Yes, the standard procedure. Good". And I put the phone back while I throught to myself. "Ominous indeed". I then turned to my assistant. "Now, about that pie..."

Evaluated

2009-08-14T11:59:00.000+02:00

I hate court ordered psyciatric evaluation. I am never sure whether or not to play crazy or normal. My friends says to just be myself, and I am not entirely sure what they mean by that.

My psyciatrist is one of the Aquino twins. She used to be a medical doctor, like her brother, but she changed job when she discovered that she was terrified of blood. I have known her for years, because our mothers attend the same womens league, so I am actually not sure if this is entirely legal. I am gonna leave that up to her.

"What you need to realize is that there is nothing wrong with your parents", she said.
"Excuse me?" I said. I was slightly confused, because that was the first thing she said as she entered the room.
"'What you need..."
"I heard the words, I just think that it was well early in the conversation to jump to the diagnoses".
"Sorry. My teacher says that parents are the root of all mental issues, and I decided to get to the point fast".
"Aren't you paid by the hour?"
"Oh, right. Good thinking". She wrote something on her notepad.
"So, my parents, eh?" I said, in an attempt to get back on course.
"Yes. You need to learn that they are alright".
"Mommy is alright?"
"Yes".
"Daddy is alright?"
"Yes".
"They just seem a little weird".
"Exactly. You know what you need to do?"
"Surrender but not give myself away?"
"Say, that is not half bad. Mind if I use that?"
"It's a Cheap Trick".
"No, no, it is really good. I want to use it as a subtitle for a paper".
"Alright, knock yourself out".
"You keeping good company?"
"I like to think so. My assistant lives in one of the bedrooms, my neighbour comes over a lot and my friend Mark is this close to being another roommate, but I can't get the guy to pay rent, cheap bastard".
"What about romance. Are you seeing anyone?"
"Nope. Not a soul".
"Because I ran into Gretchen Cornberger the other day, and she mentioned that she was thinking about giving you a call".
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Until I mentioned that I was going to be in charge of your court-ordered psyciatric evaluation. Then she looked all weird".
"Dang! Are you allowed to tell who your patients are? Don't you have a whole ethics code?"
"I skipped a couple of ethics classes. I think the teacher hated me".
"Fair enough, I guess. Do you play Mario Kart?"

And so we did, since the court did pay for the full hour.

As I was saying...

2009-08-07T11:59:00.000+02:00

I was relaxing with a quite game of The Sims, when my assistant and friends suddenly burged into my room, insisting that I stopped playing. For some reason they insisted that today is August seventh, and not late April. Of course, that is ridiculous. As if I could ever get caught up an a game for months at a time. Though, now that they mention it, I can't remember upgrading from Sims 1 to Sims 3. Wait, Sims 3 isn't released for a couple of months yet, is it? Did I upgrade sometime during today, months before the game is out? What time is it? Whoa, I played for nearly ten hours. Man, I need a break. You really does lose track of time. I think I will go see the news.

That is odd. The news says that this is August too. It must be some sort of mistake. That is probably why the guys are confused, because of that silly error. Maybe I should watch some of the Dailyshow I TIVOed last night. Whoa, that is a lot of unwatched Daily Show. I haven't seen it since... April? Hm. The Tivo is in error too. Even this here newspaper. Hm. Michael Jackson is in the news. Is he accused of playing hookey with any more... Nope, apparently not. I bet that Billy Mays is gonna be pushing a lot of Michael Jackson Memorial Plates, now. Oh...

Man, this was an eventfull morning.

Hm. I have a spare frame here. Maybe I should print out the cover of a Monkey Island game and put it in, as a cool thing to hang up. Let me just
google Monkey Island... DEAR SWEET LORD! TALES OF...

Gotta go. See ya in a couple of months. I gots me some catching up to do.

Gone on Vacation

2009-04-24T11:59:00.001+02:00

Back shortly.

Intervention, I say, Intervention!

2009-04-17T11:59:00.000+02:00

Hi. Julia here. My boss can't blog today. He got an illness. He is dependent on some old timey guy called Senator Claghorn and he keeps imitating him. He even attempted to buy confederate bonds, since he is certain that they will be very valuable once the south rises again. And I am not allowed to watch Foghorn Leghorn anymore. He says that it is wholesale stealing. Even though he keeps talking like Foghorn. So me, Mark and Ashley had an intervention, to put a stop to his old-timey shenanigans. It went well, I think. Except when it turned into an intervention for Mark to stop him from wearing tight pants. I am not sure how he turned the intervention around, but he managed it. That intervention went even better, except for when a crying Mark removed his pants and asked us to throw them away for him. Then me and Ashley went over to Marks apartment to burn all of his tight pants. Unfortunately, he had nothing but tight pants, so, now, Mark has nothing but his tighty whities. He doesn't seem to mind though. So, I guess that everybody is happy.

Hey, wait. We never got my boss to stop talking like Claghorn. I had completely forgotten about that. We should probably get on that.

The Content of my pockets after my last arrest

2009-04-09T11:59:00.001+02:00

The local police officers finally located the crate of stuff that I had on my person when I was arrested. Due to a lack of stuff to write about, I have decided to just give you this.

1 25g EyePot filled with the music of Bhutanesian countrysinger Willie Döndrub and German Technoartists Der Krankenshaft. The back is engraved with the text "Crap Music for a Crap Player".

1 Unitranslator

1 German Dictionary from 1923

65 Q-tips

5 spray handcleaners

1 USB Cable

1 Lustiges Taschenbuch #250

1 roll of Dentalfloss

1 Comb

1 Glas

3 pair of glasses of various strenght

1 pair of Sunglasses

1 Viewfinder

1 Notebook.

1 note with the text "And Where is my Baby Bye Basket?"

1 peachflavoured Ice Tea

1 DVD "The Absolutely Faboulous Adventures of Magnus P. Tagmus

1 fake dogpoop

1 Guinness Glass

1 can of Guinness

1 wallet with an image of Che Guevara

$23.07

Everything is gonna be OK

2009-04-03T11:59:00.001+02:00

Ashley: Hey, honey, I'm home.
Young: No mood for old timey references. For I am watching Lost.
Ashley: What is that?
Young: A TV show. About people on a weird island.
Ashley: Not the show. What is that in your hand?
Young: This? A coke.
Ashley: Don't give me that. Where did you get an OK Soda?
Young: I know a guy.
Ashley: You know a guy who can get you 15 year old sodas only released in limited markets?
Young: Actually, it is brand new.
Ashley: You know a guy who can get you brand new OK Sodas?
Young: Yep.
Ashley: They haven't made them since 1995!
Young: Yet, here we are.
Ashley: Alright, who do you know that can get you freshly brewed OK Soda?
Young: Revealing so would be a break of the Client/Shady Guy Who Can Get Anything priviledge and would prevent me from getting more of these.
Ashley: Who makes these fresh cans?
Young: A fair question and one that in recent weeks has been much on my mind. It is my considered opinion that it never left production, but but just got pulled from stores.
Ashley: And why would they make it and not sell it?
Young: Ah, another fair question. And one that I am still pondering. There are more in the downstairs fridge. Help yourself.
Ashley: Alright, but one of these days I am gonna have to demand some answers.
Young: I will ask Shady if he has any in stock.

Mr. Music Listener Man

2009-03-27T11:59:00.001+01:00

Young: I think that Rick Astley was the greatest thing to come out of the eighties. Just listen to this. "Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down". Just classic.
Ashley: No, no. Madonna. Madonna is great. Put on a Madonna LP.
Mark: No, U2.
Julia: I don't know any of these guys. Except Madonna. "Music: Makes nananana and the nana. Naaaaaaa."
Young: I don't know that song and I don't have that album and I don't want it either. And if you ever hum that tune again, I will confiscate The Lady Margurite Singleton of Teddyburghshire. For a week.
Julia: Aw, don't do that. She never did anything to you.
Young: Alright, but don't sing that song. Ever again.

Scrabble Master

2009-03-20T11:59:00.001+01:00

Mark: Alright, those were the last bricks, so, last round, everybody. I have... Nothing, really. I have this N, so I can write IN, here.
Ashley: I use that to write FRINGE. Note that.
Mark: Noted.
Julia: FLAPJACKS.
Young: QUIXOTIC.
Mark: Alright, let us tally up the score. Lessee, hm. I got 67 points. Why did we stop playing with double and tripple wordscore?
Young: Because no one wanted to keep score of it.
Mark: Oh yeah. Ashley got 88.
Ashley: Aw yeah. I am good.
Mark: And Young and Julia both got 99.
Young: Of courwait, what?
Mark: See for yourself. You both got 99 points.
Julia: Yay! I won.
Young: Not a victory.
Julia: In my opinion, yes it is.
Young: How did this happen?
Mark: I am not entirely sure.
Ashley: It is quite bizarre really.
Julia: I am the winner.
Ashley: It appears so.
Mark: I am gonna count again. Yep, 99 points each.
Young: DAMMIT!
Julia: I won!

Getting drunk on life. And booze.

2009-03-14T11:59:00.001+01:00

Ashley: No, no more, no more. Right, just a finger. Alright, two fingers. Four fingers. Six. Eight.
Young: There can't be eight fingers of alcohol in that glas, even if you stack your hands on top of each other.
Ashley: *Pouts*. You need bigger glasses.
Young: What, like Urkel?
Ashley: Drinkingglasses. You know what I mean.
Young: Yeah, I do, don't I.
Mark: Alright, who hasn't tried some sort of mixture?
Julia: I haven't tried red wine with that one.
Mark: Alrighty... Here you go.
Julia: Thanky.
Mark: So, what does it taste like.
Julia: This is the worst thing I have ever tasted.
Young: You should try Marks mouthwash drink.
Ashley: Wassat then?
Young: It is vodka and coughdrops. It tastes just like mouthwash.
Ashley: Can I have some?
Mark: Sorry, it has to soak for a few days.
Ashley: So you need to plan your drinking day.
Mark: Exactly. Write it in your calender.
Young: On the seventh, meeting with the boss, pick up drycleaning, buy stamps, get drunk.
Julia: Why can't I get the taste out of my mouth?
Young: That is exactly what I asked. "Mark, I said a week later. "Why can I still taste mouthwash?".
Ashley: The worst drink I ever had was vodka and wheatgrass.
Young: Ah, a lawnmower.
Ashley: My ex really loved the Simpsons.
Mark: Beer and Cola.
Young: Hey, I love beer and Cola.
Ashley: Hey, who is up for Scrabble?
Mark: Hey, yeah, with him drunk, we might have a chance.
Young: Fat chance.

I have come to a disappointing conclusion

2009-03-09T11:59:00.003+01:00

I just don't have the time or the stamina to update twice a week. It was a nice experiment and it was nice that it was able to last nearly three months, but, as of Friday, I will return to a once-a-week updating schedual. At one point, I actually contemplated that if this went well, I was gonna go over to a thrice a week schedual next year, but alas. It was either this, or completely abandon this blog, and I didn't want to disappoint my no doubt millions of loving fans. Plus, I kind of think that I got a good thing going now.

When Opposites meet.

2009-03-06T11:59:00.000+01:00

Mark: What is the opposite of... The Smurfs.
Young: The Jolly Green Giant. No, wait. The Hulk, because he is also angry. The opposite of dinosaurs?
Mark: Teddy Bears. They are small, furry and cuddly.
Young: I Challenge. Because they are not alive and are therefore in a different catagory. The opposite of Dinosaurs are koalas.
Mark: Damn. Points for you. What is the score?
Young: 17 to 15.
Mark: The jury is still out on the whole Fish/Centipede thing.
Young: Oh yeah. Julia? Where are you on the Fish-thing?
Julia: Fish and centipedes are opposites. Elephants are the opposite of ants.
Young: Told ya.
Mark: Dang. 17-15 then.
Young: Whose turn is it?
Mark: I just answered, so it must be me.
Young: But I answered the question... We should have written down the rules in advance.
Mark: Flip a coin.
Young: Heads or tails?
Mark: Yes please.
Young:... Shut up and say something.
Mark: Heads.
Young: Badiiiiing! Heads.
Mark: The Opposite of V?
Young: Chancellor Susan.
Mark: What?
Young: What what?
Mark: The Letter V.
Young: Oh. A. No. 8.
Mark: Very well.

Lunch on my lawn part 2

2009-03-02T11:59:00.000+01:00

In the last episode:

Ashley: A picnic.
Young: By the power of Greyskull!
Julia: You don't have a periscope.

And now:

Young: No idea. But I am pretty sure that she did a loke of cocain in the eighties.
Ashley: Aha.
Young: ... I was gonna ask something, but I forgot what.
Ashley: What they are doing on your lawn?
Young: Oh, right. What are they doing on my lawn?
Ashley: Should we ask?
Young: Should we tell Julia to ask?
Ashley: ... Jules? Get over here? Go ask those two why they are here?
Julia: Oke-Doke.

A minute later.

Julia: They are having a picnic.
Young: Why on my lawn?
Julia: ... Hold on.

A minute later.

Julia: To show that he has changed into a wellrounded individual and that he has forgiven you for that thing that he thinks that you did but you didn't.
Young: Okay. Hold on. Hey Denby, I never slept with your daughter.
Ashley: Whoa, I didn't think that that would make him angry.
Young: Several months of therapy for nothing. Well, that is what happens, some times.
Ashley: So, why did you have to tell him?
Young: Idunno. Wanna play Ice Climber?
Ashley: Sure. Hey, do you think that that was enough to drive Denby insane again?
Young: If not, I am gonna send Mark over to their house to score Angela. While distracting Denby with some sort of male stripper. And leave a joker, so that he thinks I was there.
Ashley: Why a joker?
Young: It was the sign I used when I played pranks on Denby, when I worked for him. I stole the idea from Batman.
Ashley: Fair enough. Can I be the pink one?
Young: Of course.

Lunch on my lawn? That is unacceptable!

2009-02-26T11:59:00.000+01:00

Ashley: Hey, guys. Have you looked out at your front-yard recently?
Young: Can't say that I have. Why? Anything interesting going on?
Ashley: Denby is having a picnic with his wife.
Young: Denby?
Ashley: Yeah.
Young: By the power of Greyskull, he has returned. He must be stohold up. A picnic with Mrs. Denby? On my lawn? Julia, get my periskope!
Julia: You don't have a periscope.
Young: Do I have binoculars?
Julia: Yes, but you don't need them, since they are right outside.
Young: In that case, lead me to the window!
Julia: Over there.
Young: Thank you. Why yes, that does appear to be a picnic. In late february. What is he up to?
Ashley: A picnic.
Young: He spotted us!
Ashley: Hey, he is waving. Should I wave back?
Young: No, just look suspeciosly at him.
Ashley: How old is Mrs. Denby?
Young: 'bout 45, I think.
Ashley: She looks pretty good.
Young: She used to be a model.
Ashley: Really?
Young: Yeah. Winnifred Margareth Harper.
Ashley: How come she married Denby.

Will Young know the answer to that particular question? Tune in next time!

Mulder and Scully VS. Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby. Man, that is a long title.

2009-02-23T11:59:00.000+01:00

If I needed to make the choice, I would rather watch Scooby Doo than X-Files. Don't get me wrong. I love X-Files. And not just because of that concentrated hotness that is Gillian Anderson. It is a brilliant and, for the first five or so seasons at least, wellwritten show. But, if I have to pick my favourite show about people chasing monsters, give me Scooby Doo. Sure, it was formulaic and cheaply animated, but, come on. Scooby Doo! Not just because I got the same hairdue as Shaggy, or because I am growing a chinbeard, or because my friends are a tall guy, a readhead and a nerdy chick with glasses. And a dog. No. And not because in ten minutes I will distracting Mark while Julia runs out to his van and write Mystery Machine on it. And we will solve mysteries from the comfort of my home. And me and Sandy will run up and down the corridore. And then, we will eat.

I know that I had a point when I started this, but I cannot remember what it was, so there.

I had a dream...

2009-02-20T11:59:00.000+01:00

I had a dream, last night, where I was a superhero. But I wasn't especially helpfull, so, actually, it is debatable how much I was a hero. I didn't have any superpowers, so, technically, I wasn't super either. Now that I think of it, I am not even sure if it was a dream. Come to think of it, I might have fallen asleep during an episode of Friends, so it might not actually have been a dream, as much as sleepily absorbing it. That would explain why my dream wasn't that entertaining.

All in all, as far as dreams go, that would be a solid low. My favourite is still the one with Pinhead, from Hellraiser, driving a powder-blue sportscar. I can't remember the rest, but from there, it can't be all bad.

Something weird is going on

2009-02-16T11:59:00.000+01:00

Julia here. My boss is acting weird. Dr. Aquino said that she had filled TicTacs in a large, empty, pillbottle and given it to my boss, and that is why he is acting strange. I can see point A and I can see point B but I really can't connect them. The Doctor says that I shouldn't tell him, though, and she is the Doctor, so, I better ignore him. She will bring a new presciption around every few weeks, so at least we have TicTacs in the house.

Just what the doctor ordered!

2009-02-13T11:59:00.000+01:00

One of the Aquino twins were just over. That is the name if my doctors. She diagnosed me with a light cold, that should blow over in a couple of days. I insisted, though, and she gave me some pills. Oxyphentynontylite. And, I feel much better already. I feel light as a cloud. I haven't felt this good in a long time. This is good.

Feelin' sick

2009-02-09T11:54:00.000+01:00

My throat feels skratchy. I think that I might be coming down with something. Like, bubonic plague. Or, smallpox. Is smallpox still around? I hope that it is not smallpox. What are the symptoms? Skratchy throat? Is skratchy throat a symptom? I would go check Wikipedia, but I had to stop going there. Seems I was picking up new phobias. Is my voice turning hoarse? No, I am just being informed that my voice has always sounded like this. And she is sure that my voice was never anywhere like James Earl Jones'. But I will deny the accusations that it is more like Daffy Duck's. Is my hand shaking? I am being told that it is not. Is it shaking? I think that it is shaking. My vision is getting blurry. My assistant just handed me my glasses. It was blurry without them, though.

I should call the doctor. I need a doctor. A good one, with an anti-plague cure.

Watching the Neighbourhood

2009-02-06T11:59:00.000+01:00

Ashley: Seriously, is that necessary?
Young: They keywords in Neighbourhood Watch is Watch... And Neighbourhood.
Ashley: But people don't want to be spied on with a telescope. It makes them feel uncomfortable.
Young: Neighbourhood Watch. Hey, Mrs. Fenwick didn't clean up after her dog! Attention Mrs. Fenwick. Clean up after Poochy. I will not warn twice.
Ashley: That is another thing.
Young: What, the megaphone?
Ashley: That, and the potato-cannon.
Young: Is this because I shot it at your sister when she did that lousy parking yesterday?
Ashley: Partly. With the power invested in my by Old Man Wickles, I hereby relieve you off all neighbourhood watch duty.
Young: You can't do that!
Ashley: Old Man Wickles said I could.
Young: Old Man Wickles also says that dogs can't look up.
Ashley: So what?
Young: Bah. I am gonna start my own neighbourhood watch. With black-jack and slots.
Ashley: With what?
Young: Onearmed Bandits.
Ashley: Oh. No you can't. This area with not zoned for casinoes.
Young: Then I will just watch my own house. It will be safe from trespassers and non-poop-pickuppers. You hear that Jules.
Julia: Yes, no trespassing. And no no-poop-pickup-in-a-tiny-bag-to-be-disposed-of-properlying inside these four walls.

Neighbourhood Watch

2009-02-02T11:59:00.001+01:00

There has been a couple of break-ins in the neighbourhood. Of course, with me being a convicted criminal, suspicion fell on me. That theory sort of fell together when it was realised that I cannot leave the house without all the police in town arriving at my door. Granted, that is two people, but still. They have not registered any sort of outdoors activity. All my tennis have been limited to Wii. Before I was locked up, I never played Tennis.

Anyway, it was decided to start a neighbourhood-watch-group. So, that if anyone sees something suspecious, they call the police. [Sarcasm]Because, ordinarily, people would just go "meh" and let the criminals work in peace[/Sarcasm]. Anyway, they asked Old Man Wickles to be the leader. He is a retired cop, who now spends his days telling neighbourhood kids to get off his lawn. And of me to stop shooting my potatocannon out the window. He has about equal luck with both of those tasks. So, if he can tell criminals to get of other peoples lawns too, I think that he will be happy.

A betlosin' man.

2009-01-30T11:59:00.000+01:00

Ashley: Hi there. Whatcha doing?
Young: Just the regular. Nothing spectacular.
Ashley: ...Are you alright?
Young: Just peachy and fine. All of the time.
Ashley: Why are you rhyming?
Young: I lost a bet. Now I am feeding the pet.
Ashley: You lost a bet and now has to feed the dog? Where does the rhyming come in?
Young: The pet thing was just to find a rhyme. The wager was, rhyme all the time.
Ashley: You are good at rhyming.
Young: My grandparents write songs of protest, it is just what they do. I once helped them write one for Peru.
Ashley: Whatever. Wanna play Mario Kart?
Young: Verily, thy butt will be kicked and names be took. The Princess is no match for Wario, the lovable crook.
Ashley: Names be took?
Young: I will admit, the rhyme wasn't good. "Names be took" my left foot.
Ashley: Mario Kart?
Young: DoubleDash, here I come. The master of speed and the drinker of rum.
Ashley: If you wanna play, shut up.

A bettin' man.

2009-01-26T11:59:00.000+01:00

Julia: Nah-ah. You are wrong!
Young: I am not. I am very correct.
Julia: Nope. You missed one.
Young: Zummi, Grammi, Gruffy, Tommi, Sunni, Cubbi, Gusto, Cavin, Gregor, Calla, Igthorn, and Toadie. Those were all the regular characters.
Julia: If there is something I know, it is cartoons about cuddly bears. And you missed a regular character.
Young: Wanna bet?
Julia: How much?
Young: How much do you want to part with?
Julia: The loser has to go around in nothing but underwear all day.
Young: I have no interest in watching you in your underwear.
Julia: The loser has to talk in rhyme for an entire day.
Young: Deal.
Julia: Tuxford.
Young:... DANG IT!
Julia: *Ahem*
Young: *Sigh*. I appear to have lost the bet. I forgot about him, darn my forgetsome head.

Face your Manga!

2009-01-23T00:59:00.002+01:00

In what I can only assume was a massive explosion of boredom, Julia made these, of the regular characters in my on-going story, on some website.

Me. Though, I rarely dress that nicely. And my hairdue is more in the area of... Chaos.
Julia. Nicely dressed. She says "thank you".
Ashley. Wearing her very favourite T-shirt.
Mark. Looking somewhat like a quarterback.

Though, anyone who has tried it knows how hard it is to make it look like yourself. So, it doesn't really look like anyone, so I am not sure why I even posted it.

It is being brought to my attention that it is because I have to post twice a week. Thank you.

Welcome doggie.

2009-01-19T11:59:00.000+01:00

Ashley: Hey, that is a nice dog. She is so cute!
Julia: Thank you.
Ashley: What is her name?
Young: Sandy.
Ashley: That is a great name for a dog. We used to have a dog called Butch, when I was a child. That was a great dog.
Young: What was that dog named after?
Ashley: Nothing. We just throught that it was a good name for a dog. Did name your dog after something?
Young:...
Julia:...
Young: "Sandy Frank"
Julia: "Sandy Frank"
Young and Julia: "He's the source of all our pain"
Young: "Sandy Frank"
Julia: "Sandy Frank"
Young and Julia: "Gads about the house all day"
Ashley: Ye Gods. For that, you owe me a beer.
Young: In the fridge. I only got Guiness... "Sandy Frank"
Julia: "Sandy Frank"
Young and Julia: "Spielberg won't return his calls"...

Another new resident

2009-01-16T11:59:00.002+01:00

Julia: Hey, Young...
Young: I told you how I want to be referred to.
Julia: I am not gonna call you Mistah Boss-man. I won that bet.
Young: Fair enough. What is it, (*Shudder*) Milady.
Julia: Well, I have this friend and her and her boyfriend just broke up and, y'know, they had this...
Young: Proceed.
Julia: Well, they had, well, she still has, this labrador.
Young: An eskimo?
Julia: No, a dog.
Young: Ah.
Julia: Anyway, she has this labrador and she can't have it anymore, because she is moving into an apartment with this guy named Jan, which is funny, because her name is Jan too, and Jan, the boy Jan, he has a cat, which is allowed in the apartment provided that they stay indoors, but dogs are not allowed, so I was wondering...
Young: Is it yellow?
Julia: Yes?
Young: Yes, we can have a dog.
Julia: Yay! Can I give you a hug!
Young: No.
Julia: ...
Young: ...
Julia: ...
Young: Okay, a short one.
Julia: Yay! ... Hey, wait a minute, is the only reason that you allow this that I have to walk the dog, because you can't leave the house?
Young: Partly. And because if I smell even the faintest whiff or poop indoors, I will personally sell the dog to a loving family. So, if it has an accident, you better be around to fix it before I enter the room.
Julia: Yes Sir!
Young: Thats more like it.

Year Two: A new Year

2009-01-12T11:59:00.002+01:00

So, I was sitting around, minding my own business, watching Monty Python, when this little redheaded girl came over to me and said "Hey, did you remember to update your blog?". I said "I will do it in the new year". Well, apparently, we are not on chinese new year. Yes, it came as a surprise for me too. And what is worse, I am not chinese, apparently. Just a white guy of european origin. Probably scandinavian.

So, anyway, I will try to be better at updating this year.

Twas the night before the rhyme

2008-12-24T11:59:00.001+01:00

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except a guy acting scouse
He was playing Ringo, the lovable brit
And generally acting as if being high of his tits
He wasn't really, he was just bored
"Locked in my house", he angrily snored
The blond neighbour babe said "Your own damn fault"
"And don't call be babe, or your eyes will get salt".
The tall guy in the corner said "I am not gonna rhyme"
While the readhead brought the shorter guy a lager and lime.
"But you hate lager and lime" said the redheaded spoilsport
"And I bet that you can't rhyme that" she said with a...

"Dang, you were right", he said, and found a thesaurus.
For he had lent his rhyming-dictionary to his neighbour Morris.
"Another word for spoilsport", he said out loud.
"There is no such thing", said the tall, non-rhyming, jerk.
"You can make me rhyme!", said the redheaded girl.
"You can make me rhyme, for exampel, words like Luggage and Twirl".
"Why are we doing this?", said the girl from next door
While the short guy was looking for a word that wasn't "floor".
"I throught you had written down the true story about us saving Chris Mess"
"Yes, I did, but I found it listless".
"Maybe next year we can do that, but for now
Chris Mess is safe from Denbys cow*".
"Wait", said the redhead "Chris Mess from down the road?"
"For a second I throught it was the holiday (Perhaps this is a forebode!)
So, see you all next year, my no doubt millions of fans and friends.
End of year one, but we will be back again!

*Long story, and to short a rhyme.
And I am rapidly running out of lager and lime.

Anniversary?

2008-12-18T11:59:00.000+01:00

Young: "Jules, how long have I been blogging? A few weeks now?"
Julia: "No, it must have been at least five years now."
Young: "What, no. I was locked up, like, last month. I was blogging for a few days before that".
Julia: "No no, I started working here about five years ago, and you were already blogicating by then".
Young: "Is blogicating a real word? No matter, I will not hear it in my house ever again".
Ashley: "Hey, whattup?"
Young: "Ashley, how long have I been blogging?"
Ashley: "You moved in here, what, in March or so? You had already been blogging for several months then."
Julia: "No, he was blogging before I started working here, years ago".
Ashley: "No, you started blogging a few months before you moved in, earlier this year, and you were hired a couple of weeks later. End of story".
Young: "No, I think it was a few weeks ago since I started".
Julia: "No, several years ago".
Ashley: "Let us just check your to see when you started".
Young: "You're on! Lessee, *mumble mumble*"
Julia: "Why are you saying mumble mumble?"
Young: "Silence. Lessee, last page... One year ago... today?"
Ashley: "Told ya!"
Young: ..."Someone must have hacked my account and changed all the dates!"
Julia: "Yeah, they are all way behind what they are supposed to be!"
Young: "You mean way ahead"
Julia: "Behind!"
Young: "Ahead!"
Ashley: "Hey, whatever happened to Denby? He was a lot around in the early days".
Young: "Good question. I should give him a call. Just to remind him what I did to his daughter!"
Ashley: "Or, what he thinks that you did to his daughter that you were actually to germophobic to do and which she played along with because of an obsessive need to anger her father".
Young: ..."Are you still in my house?"
Ashley: "Yes I am. Wanna play Mario Kart?"
Young: "Sure".
Julia: "Yay, Mario Kart!"

I read a man on the run was able to update his blog

2008-12-11T21:30:00.001+01:00

So how come I never seem to get around to it until the last moment or several days late?

A little bit Country

2008-12-02T23:23:00.002+01:00

Julia: I got that CD that you wanted.
Mark: Great!
Young: Hey, what are you two crazy kids up to?
Mark: You are five days older than me.
Young: Thank you, but my question wasn't "How much older than you am I?".
Julia: Mark asked me to pick of a Greatest Hits of Country CD.
Young: You like country?
Mark: It is for my cousin... Bob...be...rick... Jackson.
Young: Bobberick Jackson?
Julia: Why didn't he buy the CD?
Mark: It is my christmas gift for cousin... Bobberick. That guy loves country.
Young: Why didn't you buy it?
Mark: I am an icon of sexiness in this town. My attractiveness would severely drop if it was re... rumoured that I love country. I simply cannot be seen near such a CD.
Julia: Wait, were you about to say revealed?
Young: Nice catch, Jule. Were you?
Mark: Alright, I confess. I got two ears and a heart, so sue me!
Young: I didn't think that you cared for 30 Rock.
Mark: Tina Fey is hot, so sue me!
Young: I can't disagree, but, I swear if you tell me to sue you one more time..
Mark: I like that phrase, so sue me!
Young: That is it. Julia, get my lawyer on the phone!

Speedy Delivery

2008-12-01T11:59:00.000+01:00

*Doorbell*
Young: "Now, who could that be?"
Deliveryguy: "I got a package. It got this adress, and then just "Julia".
Young: "Yes, she lives here."
Deliveryguy: "Could you tell her to tell whoever sent this that you need to write the full name of the recipient?"
Young: "I am not sure that she has last name. She is like Cher that way. I should find out if she got one".
Deliveryguy: "Riiiight. Sir, if you could just sign here".
Young: "Alright. I'll just write my Button Gwynnett".
Deliveryguy: "Whatever."
Young: "Here you go".
Deliveryguy: "That's your name?"
Young: "What of it?"
Deliveryguy: "Nothing. Nothing..."
*Door slams*
Young: "No good, rotten, stinkin'... JULIA!"
Julia: "Yo!"
Young: "Stop saying that. I got a package that needs attending."
Julia: "I told your father when I was hired..."
Young: "What, no! Mind of my stuff! A guy just dropped this off".
Julia: "What is it?"
Young: "I always forget to ask".
Julia: "Lets see..."
Young: "Hey, do you have a last name?"
Julia: "No. I'm like Cher, that way."
Young: "Alright, what have you got...?"
*Beat*
Julia: "Is that...?"
Young: "It most certainly looks that way".
Julia: "It is from my sister".
Young: "Your sister gives you stuff like that?"
Julia: "Apparently."
Young: "Is it something that you wished for?"
Julia: "Who would want something like that, especially when living in a tectonic relationship with your employer".
Young: "You mean platonic. Platonic means "without romance"."
Julia: "What does Tectonic mean?"
Young: "Moving of the continents".
Julia: "Well, there will be none of that in this house, mister".
Young: "I know. I wrote that rule".

I wonder what I would look like wearing a hat...

2008-11-24T11:59:00.001+01:00

I was gonna order a hat online, but Ashley reprogrammed and installed a nanny-filter, that prevents me from surfing online hat-stores. Last time I call Scrooge McDuck a stylish fella.

Who am I kidding, I say that every time I watch Duck Tales.

Adressing the Issues

2008-11-17T11:59:00.000+01:00

Julia: Hey, I was looking through your adressbook, and you always say that you have nearly no friends, but there are hundreds of names, adresses and phonenumbers in here.
Young: Yeah?
Julia: Should I repeat?
Ashley: Young...
Young: Stop calling me that.
Ashley: Young, there are lots of friends listed in your adressbook.
Young: Those aren't friends.
Ashley: Then, who are they?
Young: Just people I know.
Julia: For example, who is Big Fred Butt-Stare?
Young: Big Fred? He is a male stripper. He dances at my sisters partys. Nice guy.
Ashley: Why is he in your adressbook?
Young: We hang out before he goes onstage. Hm. Note to self: Find out when Denbys birthday is and send Big Fred over.
Ashley: You got a taperecorder AND a dictaphone now?
Julia: Don't ask. What about Lilli Leggers?
Young: Lilli Leggers, the stripper who is preggers.
Julia: How can she be permanently pregnant?
Young: She is not. She is just front-heavy. I hired her for Marks bachelor-party.
Ashley: Mark was going to get married?
Young: No, He just had the bachelor-party.
Julia: What about... The Olsen Tw... YOU KNOW THE OLSEN TWINS?!?!
Young: Yes. Don and Dan Olsen.
Julia: Oh...
Young: They are bakers. They make the best Keylime pie this side of the Limpopo.
Ashley: I am gonna look up if Limpopo is a real word.
Julia: One more. This one is crossed out. S. Hussein, and so is U. and Q. Hussein... Actually, I think I might prefer to not be certain who they are.
Young: As you should be.
Julia: G.W. Bush?
Young: Yeah, my mother asked me to call him about some sort of job, but I never got around to it.
Julia: What kind of job?
Young: Nothing fancy. Secretary of the Interior, or something. But I didn't want to go all the way to Seattle to take phonecalls and take memos all day and not be allowed outside.
Julia: Seattle?
Young: I was told that the job was in Washington, so...
Julia: Now you are just making fun of me, aren't you?
Young: Yeah. Why were you looking in my adressbook anyway?
Julia: Somebody named Gretchen called, but I can't find the piece of paper where I wrote her number, and she isn't in your adressbook.
Young: ...
Julia: Sorry.
Young: Meh. S'allright. Hey, the West Wing is on!

Clarification

2008-11-10T12:19:00.002+01:00

Young just said that Marks non-existing Teddy's name was Lady Hugsalot. That is so cute!!!

-Julia

Mark doesn't know how to blog

2008-11-10T12:14:00.001+01:00

But he just wants to let everyone know that he never had a teddy bear and that he certainly hasn't kept it under his bed when ladies come over.

-Ashley

Clarification

2008-11-10T12:09:00.002+01:00

Not as much "cute" as it is insanely creepy seeing a, technically, grown man enjoy a 22 year old teddy. It is alright when women does it. That is why my old teddy, called Gloria, sits right next to my bed.

-Ashley

Explanation

2008-11-10T12:04:00.001+01:00

My boss, who we have all decided to just call Young, like Ashley suggested, recieved a box from his mother. In there was a teddy-bear. Apparently, it is Youngs old teddy, from when he was a child, named Mr. Teddington. It is really cute, to see a grown man be so happy about a teddy bear. Almost as happy as I am with Princess Cuteybear!

-Julia

No time for Blog, Doctor Jones!

2008-11-10T11:59:00.001+01:00

I found Mr. Teddington!

A Quick Update!

2008-11-03T22:25:00.000+01:00

1Julia: Hey, did you update your blog today.
Young: Today is Sunday, Jules. Freeze Frame updates mondays.
Julia: Why mondays?
Young: It started randomly, then I just decided to make that the official update-day.
Julia: Oh, Okay.
Young: Ayep. Monday is Blog-day in this house.
Julia: Today is monday.
Young:... Jesus christ, I haven't written anything yet!
Julia: I throught you wrote weeks in advance.
Young: I haven't for several weeks! Find a tape!
Julia: Where are the tapes?
Young: In the filecabinet!
Julia: Where are the keys?
Young:...Where are the keys?
Julia: I spend hours on writing some of them down. Where are the transcripts?
Young: I moved them to the external harddisk and put them in... the... filecabinet... for safekeeping...
Julia: Do you need to update today?
Young: I can't let down my no doubt millions of adoring fans!
Julia: Millions?
Young: I need a tape!
Julia: Where is the key?
Young: Where is the key?
Julia: Where did you have it last?
Young: Where did I have it last?
Julia: You don't where it is?
Young: I don't know where it is.
Julia: Stop repeating me!
Young: Where the heck do we find a tape?
Julia: The only tape not locked in is...
Young:...
Julia:...
Young:...
Julia:... Yes!
Young: No! I need that for recording the rest of the day!
Julie: Then you need to write something.
Young...

Hair today...

2008-10-27T16:07:00.001+01:00

I had my hair cut just the other day.It is the exact same hairdue that I have had for nearly 7 years now. Well, technically, it is not a hairdue. It is what happened by being bald for a brief time and then letting it grow long and then asking my haircuttingperson to cut of about yay much.

Anyway, when you start getting hair in your mouth when you eat, that is how you know that it is time to get a haircut. So, I called upon Delilah, of Delilahs Haircutting and Violinrestringing Boutique. I get my violin restringed and my hair cut at the same time. Brilliant. But, apparently she doesn't do housecalls anymore. There was an... Incident. Apparently, violinrestringing is some sort of euphemism over in New Ginsburgh. That is the next town over. Those people are weird. Her latest add reads "Delilahs haircutting and violinrestringing boutique: I do not have sex with people for money!". So, I had to call upon the new guy. Now, Delilah has cut my hair since I was about five years old, so finding a new haircutter is tough. When my uncle Sammy needs a haircut, he just sends a guy over with his hair, but that is not an option for me.

I accept no less than 10 years of experience with haircutting and a graduation with honors from the International Institute of Haircutting. Apparently, the first one is no problem, since I.I.H. shut down in 1985. The problem is actually finding one, since people, for some reason, tend to leave the Institute of their resumes. I guess that it being placed in the Soviet-Union tends to scare customers away. That pretty much left me with two options: Harold Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and Floyd, whose last name I didn't quite catch. So, I just call him Floyd, the Guy Who Cuts My Hair.

A secret sees the light of day.

2008-10-20T11:59:00.005+02:00

Hi. Ashley here. You might remember me from the occasional part in the continued story of the laziest man on earth. Julia was typing up old tapes, as [Name Deleted as per subprogram A113] tends to have her do when he is watching TV and wants her out of the way. I swear, that guy has tapes for everything. I mean, I have seen transcripts of conversations where I had no idea that he was taping. I think that he might have recorded everything he said or did from the last decade. Even if he didn't bother to log out of blogspot. So, anyway, I heard portions of a tape, that I think should be shared with you. He already prepared todays post, so I have exchanged it with this one.

Apparently, he has written a program to prevent his real name from being known, for some reason, even if he has no problem using mine, Marks and Julias names. So, I am just gonna call him... Young. As to make the transcript readable.

Mark: 'Sup, man.
[Beat]
Young: I have no respons for that. Julia?
Julia: "'Sup."
Young: 'Sup.
Mark: Hey, do you remember that girl that sat in front of us in class, next to that other girl.
Young: Left or right?
Mark: Left.
Young: Can't say that I do.
Mark: No wait, right.
Young: Oh yeah, the cute one with the glasses.
Mark: Yeah, I ran into her in town. She asked about you.
Young: Me?
Mark: Yeah, what you are up to, these days.
Young: What did you say?
Mark: I told her that you were arrested for a crime so weird that the judge had to option but to give you permanent house-arrest.
Young: How did she react?
Mark: About how anyone would react to finding out that guy they might ask out is not legally allowed to leave his house.
[Beat]
Young: Julia?
Julia: She said "Oh... Tell him I said hi, or, don't, or... Nevermind" and left before Mark could ask if he should give you her number.
Mark: Word for word.
Young: Orw!
Julia: Who is she?
Mark: Gretchen? A cute girl from school. Wore glasses. He had a crush on her. And I think that he could have had her, if he had not been shy.
Julia: Hey, mind if I ask you something personal.
Young: Yeah, but you are gonna ask anyway.
Julia: You can't stand germs, right?
Young: Right?
Julia: You wash hands twice an hour.
Young: Correct.
Julia: You bath a minimum of once a day, more if you think you need it.
Young: Yep.
Julia: You hate sweat.
Young: Where are you going with this.
Julia: Still, you have had sex...
Mark: Hey, yeah. Something is wrong, here.
Young: I am not sure what you are implying.
Mark: How are you able to have sex when you are afraid of just about everything that it involves.
Young: ...
Mark: Hey, get away from that taperecorder! This should be saved for posterity.
Young: I'll save it for your posterity! Gimme that!
Mark: If you can reach it, short stuff.
Julia: Hey, if you haven't had sex, what does Denby think that you did with his daughter.
Mark: Why does he think that you had sex with her?
Young: ...
Mark: You told him that you did, didn't you?
Young: No I... Hey, The Daily Show is on.
Julia: Why would you do that?
Mark: Wait, so those conquest stories that you told me...
Julia: Oooooh...
Mark: Oh what?
Julia: Nothing...

Then Young starts blabbering about the Daily Show, which, basically, should have been todays post. Afterwards, Mark starts singing "Like a virgin", or, he sings the title again and again, apparently because he doesn't know more than that bit. And Julia keeps reassuring that Young that there is nothing wrong with it while Young is explaining the ickyness of sex ("too many fluids and germs and sweat and yuck"). And I decides to be here Monday at 11.59 AM, to see his reaction when this post goes up.

A Marked Man part 2

2008-10-14T11:59:00.000+02:00

Some of you might have read about the explosion at the poster factory. Mark says "sorry" and that he didn't mean to. He is saying something about domino, but his head is currently deep inside my couch, so I can't hear it quite clearly.

However, he claims to have no knowledge of the fire in the self defence class.

A marked man

2008-10-13T11:59:00.002+02:00

Ashley and Julia went to a selfdefence class, and, as it turns out, a poster of Mark is used as the image of sex offenders. He did some investigation, and it turns out that not only does a former girlfriend work at the posterfactory, another former girlfriend is the teacher in their class. It has really cut into his dating-life and various sorts of lady-pick-upping... Up picking of ladies... What ever the correct grammatic tense is, he aint gettin' any. Which somehow becomes my problem, because he gets stressed and when he gets stressed, he gets annoying. He gets all this pent-up energy, which manifests itself in being like he was when we were 16 years old. And if you spend any time around 16 year olds, you will know that they are jerks. So he has been spending much of his time at my place, playing gamecube and prankcalling people. And he is getting Julia to bring cookies and lemonade, and saying "Thank you, Mrs. S", which is odd as Julia is neither a Mrs. or has a surname beginning with S. So, tonight, Mark is gonna break into both the self defence class and the poster factory and destroy all images of himself.

Don't worry, I already called my lawyer, Ron, to go down and bail out Mark first thing in the morning.

From my taperecorder

2008-10-06T11:59:00.000+02:00

Julia - No, you can't.
Me - Yes I can.
Julia - But you are not from the american south.
Me - Being a southern gentleman is a state of mind.
Julia - That is the most northern state.
Me - Hm? No, I said "mind". State of Mind.
Julia - Can't you just be a gentleman.
Me - Haven't I always been a gentleman?
Julia - You spent all day yesterday shooting spitballs at Denby.
Me - He had it coming.
Julia - What about...
Me - He pitched a dang tent on the curb. Look at him, looking at me, the creep.
Julia - You are not from the south and you are no gentleman.
Me - Alright, tell you what. If I can be a southern gentleman, you can be a southern belle.
Julia - ...Really?
Me - Sure.
Julia - Like Vivian Leigh?
Me - Yeah, only, you know, not mentally ill.
Julia - Yeah. I'm going to dance and dance!
Me - You do that.
Julia - Tonight I wouldn't mind dancing with Abe Lincoln himself!
Me - Girl, I said, girl, dat boy is a yankee, and y'all best stay aways from him.

And we continued like that for a couple of hours.

So long, Newman

2008-09-29T18:51:00.002+02:00

I had several pages written about this great man, but then this little redheaded spoilsport jumps in an informs me that Paul Newman did not, in fact, bring chocolate eggs on easter. She claims that it is done by some sort of lagomorph. I dunno, I am reasonably sure that I was always told that it was Paul Newman who hid eggs, out of some sort of charitable effort. And gave out little chocolate statues of himself for us to idolize, for some reason. But I digress. Goodbye, Mr. Newman, and thanks for all the chocolate.

I am not being told that he did, in fact, make saladdressing. Well, thanks for that too, I guess. Now, drive your very fast car into the afterlife, and say hi to Richard Nixon for me. I am number 721 on his enemies list. But that is another story.

On a lighter note, this is my 100th post. Yay. And it only took me... ten months? I gotta update this thing more often.

A new occupant of my humble home.

2008-09-22T15:54:00.003+02:00

So, I recently learned that Julia has been living here for a while, now. To be frank, I was under the impression that she lived in an apartment in The City and commuted. But, apparently, she has been secretly living here for the last couple of months. I throught that she just came early and stayed late, but no. She has been sleeping on my couch. So, I assigned her a proper room and we got her stuff, which had been stored at her parents, in. Or, someone else got her stuff in. I just said "That is your room. You live there, now. Get of my couch. Gotta watch Gummi Bears". It is lucky that my house has several bedrooms. Anyway, It takes a bit of getting used to. I haven't had a roommate since that time when Mark was in hiding from an angry husband. Not his own, mind*. The husband of his then girlfriend. Or, since they were not actual "friends", in the strictest sense of the word, his girl. Or, since she wasn't actually "his", the female with whom Mark was having a physical relationship with, without the specific permission of her husband. He lived in my old apartment for several months, mooching of my stuff and sleeping on my couch. And watching Tour de France all the time.

I seem to have lost my train of throught. But, welcome Julia.

*That reminds me of another story, that I really ought to tell you, sometime.

This is not my week

2008-09-17T23:39:00.003+02:00

Wednesday - The fosset broke and we had to turn of the main water supply. Now I am without water for toilet and handwashing. And my hands are filthy. Or, they feel that way. I better not touch something gross until tomorrow, when the plumber gets here. Like, anything. So, I wrapped my hands in plastic bags, since I haven't got any rubber gloves at the moment. But I really need a bath. So, I have been scrubbing myself with moist towelettes. I haven't figured out what to do if I need to go to the bathroom. I just pray to God, or since I am not a religious man, I just hope a lot, which is probably just as effective as praying, that it won't come to that. Julia, the snarky little thing, has been over at Ashleys all day "because of the superior restroom facilities". See if I give her the key to the toilet the next time she asks to borrow it.

My week is getting slightly worse by the day

2008-09-16T20:38:00.003+02:00

Monday - The powersupply to my external harddisk breaks down and I need to send it back to get a new one from the place I got it from. That could take weeks.
Thursday - I learn that the guy who wrote Artemis Fowl is going to write a new book in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series.
Wednesday - I predict that a comet will hit my house, knocking off my bathroom wall.

From my notebook 2

2008-09-08T00:52:00.001+02:00

The bible says to not worship Idols. Any religion that says no to Billy is no religion for me.

Status symbols in my world

2008-09-01T11:59:00.000+02:00

I have noticed, whenever I imagine living like the rich does, it involves a german butler and a bucket of cocain. In my mind, the german is named Schültz. I don't know why a bucket of cocain. I don't even do drugs, and I am reasonably sure that cocaine is not a status-symbol in most groups. Though it would be cool to offer it to guests. "Can I get you anything? Coffee, cola, cocain? I don't even know where you could buy a bucket of the stuff? Do they give discounts if you buy in bulk? Do I have to buy a few grams at a time? What if the cops find my cocain? I have no intention of selling it, or doing whatever you do in order to take cocain. Sniff it, smoke it, inject it, throw it up in the air and yell "SNOW", whatever. So can they charge me just for possesion? If they do, I will just jump on my tiny pony and ride of. Yes, if I was that rich, I would have a tiny, tiny pony, just for emergencys. Then ride it into a limo. Then ask schültz to drive the limo into my helicopter. Then get him to fly the helicopter into my private airplane and fly to Monaco. Then gamble my fortune, until all I had left was a bucket of cocain, which I could sell to movieactors for more gambling money. Not good actors. Just former SNL stars who think that they are oh-so-pretty that they could laugh over sketches and almost ruin the genius that is more cowbell.

Throughts on South Park

2008-08-25T15:34:00.000+02:00

From my notebook:

South Park has sucked a great deal since season 3. After that, it went really far up its own ass and got stuck there. And if you are real quiet, you can hear the muffled yells of "Quick, reference something current to give the impression of being relevant. And be sure to insult all sides of the issue, so that we actually don't say anything and offer no solutions. Ooooh, and jokes involving butts, sex and lots of poop, in order to give the illusion of being edgy, despite being adolescent nonsense".

Happy Birthday to me!

2008-08-22T23:59:00.000+02:00

Yes, I survived yet another year. A year of ups and downs and starting a blog that is, on average, read by between 14 to 18 people a week, so it is mainly for my own amusement. But anywho, this is a day for celebration. Of me! I need presents and I need them to be forked over pretty soon. Perhaps some chocolate. Or some sort of entertainment. Gimme!

The most annoying phrase in the world

2008-08-18T11:59:00.001+02:00

"All you had to do was follow the damn train, CJ".

Yes, and all you had to do was shoot the bloody Vargos, you fat git! How hard can it be. I am on a motorcycle, trying to keep up with a train. You just have to point the gun in a way as to hit the intended goal, in this case four latino criminals on top of a train, not hiding behind anything.

Actually, I am reasonably sure that Marks least favorite phrase is "I am a lesbian", but only after the sixth or so time he heard it. We decided that either he is some sort of magnet for lesbians, who will seek his friendship and lead him on for a few weeks, until they decide to come out, or, he is a magnet for women who are insecure in their sexuality, and he will lead them on their intended path, or, he actually creates lesbians, in some sort of weird way that makes women actually change their sexuality, AKA, the "There gotta be something better than this for me" theory, OR, finally, women lie to get a quick way out of the relationship. That is Ashleys theory. Mark leans to the magnet-theory, while I prefer the creation-theory. Julia has never met a lesbian, so she don't know if they exist.

Mark claims that it all began down at Club Sinnah, where a crazy girl with red hair, who wouldn't say her name, but just quoted Popeye (I yam what I yam an' dats all dat I yam), told him that he was destined to lead girls to their true destiny. He once attempted to form a threesome, and got a couple of girls, but had to leave them alone for a few minutes, while he was finishing some paperwork, and when he came back, they were dancing chin to chin, around a picture of Ellen Degeneres.

Julia just said that her least favorite phrase is "Call heaven, cuz they must be missin' an angel". Apparently, she has heard it every single time that she has every been out on the town. Yes, I live in a one-pick-up-line town. Mark says that he has a much easier time picking up lady-folks here, because they are facinated by his fancy big-city jib-cuttery and novel pick-up-lines, like "you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet" and "Is it hot in here or is it just you?".

My new answeringmachine

2008-08-06T17:46:00.002+02:00

"Hi, there. You have called my house and recieved the answeringmachine. Chances are, I am at home. I have not yet picked up the phone. That probably means that I am either doing something more important than picking up the phone or I have checked the caller-ID and found that I didn't want to speak to you. You can try to yell for a few minutes that I ought to pick up the phone, see what fat load of good that'll do you, but I will most likely stay here, right next to the phone, timing your call. The recordholder is still my mom, with 19 minutes and 26 seconds of yelling at me on the machine. Mr. Denby is currently last, with a single "Jerk" afterwhich he hung up. And Mark, it doesn't count as yelling at me to pick up if you are just reciting dirty limerics. Your call may be recorded for trainingpurposes. Now, how do I turn this thing off? Darn it. Julia, did you see the manual for the answeringmachine?" "Here you go." Thank you, but this is for the microwave." "Sorry. You got all this talk all over it. Are you going to rerecord it?" "That whole spell? Hecks no." "Here it is. It was still in the box". "Thank you, Jules. "Press the OK button when done". Well, ofcourse".

50 ways to get your but outta my sight!

2008-07-28T11:45:00.001+02:00

So, Mark has got a new girlfriend, but he doesn't really want to. So, Mark needs to break up with her. Trouble is, neither of us has ever actually broken up with a girl. We are the ones being broken up with. So, we need some sort of tip. We tried listening to that Paul Simon song "50 ways to leave your lover", but none of those apply to us. Sure, there is Jack, Stan, Roy, Gus and Lee, but no "Tell her that you are a narc, Mark", "Be a little snark, Mark" or "Say she was a lark, Mark", and I can't even come up with a word that rhymes with my name. Well, there is a word in the obscure african language Abumgang, which means something like "A man who takes great pleasure in itching his left knee while humming to theme to his favorite TV-panelshow", but that is not really appropriate. Mark tried to be a huge jerk, to make her break up with him, but she didn't notice any difference. So, eventually, we wrote down a bunch of reasons for why we have been broken up with in the past. So, Mark called her up and called her a womanising jerk. As it turns out, he couldn't come up with any other reason for being dumped. When I get dumped, it is for specific actions, like spraying them with anti-bacteria spray or trying to remove a tattoo with rubbing alcohol. Or responding to hands being cupped over the eyes and "guess who" with "Judging by the roughness of the hands, I would guess uncle Paulie "Fat Pig" Salvatore".

Doing something positive with my day

2008-07-22T12:43:00.003+02:00

I have been following Something Positive for a while now. And I have noticed a pattern. Even if a reasonable conversation is taking place, the final panel will always say something horrible.

Panel 1:
X: "So what about that new TV-show with Jay Mohr?"
Y: "I hate it".
Panel 2:
X: "Me too. The producers must think us idiots".
Y: "Yeah".
Panel 3:
X: "Oralsex from small babies".
Y: "Rape of elderly male cancerpatients with syphilis".

The whole strip is pretty much the story of lives going gradually worse. Like Johnny Cash's autobiography, just a long list of things that went wrong. "So, Davan was just a-sittin' there, when, suddenly, a freakstorm hit town and ruined everything that he held dear and then he fell into a pit of inconveniently placed acid and he got horribly scarred and then PeeJee drank some methanol and went blind and Aubrey developed a taste for butterskotch and killed a guy to get some candymoney and Jason knobbed a boysenberrybush and he got a divorce and then he was playing with a gun and accidentally shot up a mall and got charged with horseplay with homicidal intent and then that cat ran away and was run over by Davans car and everyone insulted each other". It is almost worthy of a countrysong.

Alright, I admit, most of this post was just a ploy to get to write that long list of things going bad. And while, I am here, say hello to the newest member of my family, Tom Servo, my new robotic vacuum cleaner. It is like the pet I never bothered to get.

The original american idol

2008-07-13T10:47:00.003+02:00

Theodore Roosevelt was the manliest leader of state, ever. He, and I am not kidding here, got shot in the stomach, decided that he was not shot in the lungs, since he was not coughing, and he went up and did a 90 minute speak with blood seeping out of him. And was he not about to hold a speech, I bet that he would have shown Schrank what's for. Bully!

So, I have been alone for a week

2008-07-07T12:22:00.003+02:00

And already I got an overwhelming desire to play Second Life. I say "Play", but it is really only a very advanced chatengine and, as such, insanely boring and filled with people that goes "Any hot woman who wants to send me emails with pictures of themselves in the nude" and "Any hot woman who wants to have sex". But there never is, you fools. If a woman is hot, she doesn't have to have sex with random men from chatrooms. She can get all the men that she damn well feels like just by sticking her head out of her apartmentwindow and say "Oy, you with the big willy and the great arse. Get the hell up here and satisfy my wildest urges". So why do they need you to offer yourself? Use your brain, you idiot.

I think that I lost my train of throught, there. So, I am getting bored. I spend yesterday singing introes from songs from myself, but I always knew what they were. The day before I played Minesweeper. My record for easy was 35 minutes. I am not very good at it.

So, you are leaving me behind, eh?

2008-07-01T09:53:00.002+02:00

Everybody is. Mark is going to Chicago to watch an american football game, and is going to stay there for a while. Julia is going with her family to Cutesy Land, an amusementpart for Cutesy the Bear, you know, the one from TV. With the catchphrase "I vuw evewyone, and so should you". Dang bear. They have seasonpasses, so who knows when they want to go home. Ashley is going on an angermanegement course. Not courtordered, surprisingly. She beat up a platoon of sailors in a bar, last week, and, as it turned out, that one guy did really just say that she ought to put some of his PEAnuts in her mouth. It was a sexual innuendo gone horribly wrong. So, I am going to be alone for quite some time. I am not quite sure what to do. Perhaps just mope around the house for as long as they are gone. I could be alone for an entire month. Julia arranged for a grocery service to deliver to my house, so I am not gonna starve. I wish that the friend-audition had went well, so that I would have had some friends outside this circle. Hey, wait a second. Didn't I have more friends before I was locked up. I am pretty sure I did. My adressbook says I did. Aaron A. Aaronson to Zachary Z. Zeddemore to Frank Turnip. It is not alphabetical. Why haven't I talked to any of these people since I was arrested. I should try to call a few people. Later. Knightrider is on right now.

RIP Carlin

2008-06-23T17:45:00.002+02:00

Rest in peace, George. Rest in peace. My desire, right now, is to yell out several of the dirty words, but that is not my style. And, I believe that the only way to honor him is to write something that will, hopefully, entertain you.

I haven't mentioned Denby in a while, have I? Well, a few weeks back, he decided that his new course of action was to smoke me out with monotomy. So, every day, from 2 to 5 PM, he has been playing the Tuba on my yard. In response, we have also chosen a new course of action: Ignoring him. So, we haven't even looked at him for weeks, much less thrown stuff at him. But, he is ignoring our ignoring him, so we are really getting nowhere. It is, pretty much a battle of wills, at this point. And, I am a master of ignoring. On IMDB, hundreds of people on my ignorelist. But, Denby is sort of like a really persistant troll. And, Oompah is sort of like the real-life version of trolling. They are just trying to make other people angry, for no real reason. You know why? Because they are jerks. Damn bavarians.

The band of neighbours, friends and hired geeks

2008-06-16T21:48:00.003+02:00

Me, Ashley, Mark and Julia decided that we should start a band. Or, we were talking about what instruments we played and Julia insisted. And why not? We can't really go out on tour, but it might help distract me from boredom. I play the violin, Ashley plays the banjo, Mark plays the bongo and Julia, for reasons that I sensed that I probably would regret knowing, plays the jug. We started out with deciding on a name, which is, ofcourse, the most important part of any band. We each had our own idea of the ideal name, like "Ashley and the Ashbury Angels", "Mark the Days", "Julia and the Headliners", and so on. We finally settled on Adamant, but someone pointed out that that was the name of a great singer of the eighties, minus a space between the first and last name. So, we were back where we started. I wrote down a list of the names as we throught of them, and why they were not chosen.

Various Black Men - Non of us are black and only two are men, claims Ashley. Mark made suggestive remark, Ashley threatened that if he continued, the number of men would fall and the number of women rise by one each.
The Castro Collective - Apparently, Fidel Castro is not a well loved, jolly old man, which was certainly my understanding. Julia claims that it is someone referred to as the Santa Claus that brings presents at christmas. I am still reasonably certain that Fidel Castro was the one who brought presents in my home.
Nightshade - Sounds emo, ew.
Nightshave - Sounds infinently more cool. Ashleys calls it the stupideds name she has ever heard.
Intercourse - Mark found it funny. Ashley suggested the next name.
Mark is an Idiot - We all liked it, but Mark voted it down.
PoopDog - Mark suggested this one.
Booger - Ashleys suggestion. We think it might be sarcasm in response to Marks suggestions.
Kitty and the Cats - Sounds to cute.
Psychotic Mailmen out for Blood of Random Children- Not cute enough. Julia is scaring me.
Friends of Sweetums - Julia is feeling better, but this suggestion was voted down.
Hug-Patroll - Julia is on a roll.
JazzMan - No jazz. No suggestion of jazz in my house.

Eventually we settled on Wolfram. I think that it is some sort of chemical element. I saw it on TV once, and wrote it down, because it is a really cool name. So, we had to decide on a sound. I voted rock, Mark voted electro, Ashley voted metal and Julia voted bubblegum pop. Then we decided to just play and see what happened. As it turned out, our individual instruments sounds terrible when together. So, none of us are fans of our band, at the moment. But we are gonna give it a few more days. I mean, now we went through all the trouble of finding a name, so we might as well try to find a sound. Now, excuse me, but I need to get Julia away from my violin. Either that, or someone is torturing a dog in my livingroom. Either way, I will not have it!

9 out of ten doctors agree:

2008-06-09T23:23:00.000+02:00

They all hate the tenth doctor. Who does that jerk think he is? I mean, do you like anything, or are you just being difficult? Grow up, you big baby.

My top ten things ever!

2008-06-07T13:42:00.002+02:00

1: Hunky Dory. Besides being one of the worlds greatest albums, alongside a couple of other Bowie albums, it is a fine word. "Everything is hunky dory".
2: Soap. It keeps me clean. It kills germs.
3: The previous decade. It sucks while you are in it, but it always looks better in contrast to the current decade. For example, the nineties, brought a lot of sucky music, but right now it looks pretty good in comparison to the music we have now.
4: Black, grey, white and beige. Because all of my clothes are in those colours. Yes, sir, no pink shirts in my closet. And no poloshirts either. If I had had to wear a poloshirt as part of a schooluniform, someone would have been in for a surprise. Yeah, I would probably have gotten detention every day, from principal Mitler. I never liked that guy. Mitler was a jerk, always followed by that slimy guy, Wobbels. Math, with Mr. Van Trasigk, I hated. We used to call him Mr. Tragic. Even lunch sucked. Mr. Sacke was not the lunchlady that you would have hoped for. He always served gruel. I remember once that, for a joke, Barney went over to Sacke and said "Please sir, can I have some more". And we laughed, especially Mr. Sacke, but only afterwards, when he had thrown Barney in a sack and beaten him to within an inch of his life, afterwhich the rest of the staff would get a chance to smack the sack around. Mr. Mitler would refer to this practice as "Machen Spass". I know that I was going somewhere with this post, but I can't remember what. Probably, stay in school. Cut, print, publish!

Life in tapes

2008-05-29T21:12:00.002+02:00

Hi, Julia here. The boss is busy watching TV. Its weird, but it is the show with that really old phonebooth, only, now the guy travelling in it is Moe, but I can't see Larry, Shemp or any of the Curlies anywhere. Instead there is this cute guy who is wearing a skirt, but the boss claims that he is "straight as an arrow", whatever that means. They are fighting, like, robotmen with handles on their head. Anyway, I reminded him that he should remember to update his blog, but he just threw me a tape that he had lying around and said "Transcribe this". So I did. I am writing my bosses name as "boss", since he doesn't really want me to tell you his real name. I dunno why. His real name is not Boss. That is a silly name. Anywho, as he always says:

Mark: Whatcha got there, dude?
Boss: Found me dictaphone. I'm just sitting here, playing with it.
Mark: I am so gonna steal that thing and edit the first sentence out.
Boss: Hehe.
Mark: How is this whole secretary thing working out for you.
Boss: Assistant, Mark. She is my assistant. And it is working out pretty good.
Mark: She seems a bit... vapid, doesn't she?
Boss: Yes, but I get the sneaking suspicion that a lot more is going on inside of that pretty head.
Mark: Yeah, the word "shiny" is chanted repeatedly.
Boss: No, no, I think that she might be smarter than we give her credit for.
Mark: Nah, probably just "shiny", and what about that hot little thing across the street, huh? Huh? You tappin' that? Huh? A bit of the old in'n'out? Huh? The Horisontal Hula? Huh? Putting the caddle out to graze? Huh? Playing The Yakkety Sax? Huh? Painting the garage? Huh? Surfing the Pacific? Nudging the Saynomore? Huh? Grabbing the bus to...
Ashley: Oi! I am right here.
Mark: Well, so you are.
Ashley: Yeah. I have been here for fifteen minutes.
Mark: Oh. So before I started euphemising.
Boss: She was sitting five feet away, you git!
Ashley: I gave you that Cornetto.
Mark: You did not. That redheaded one...
Boss: Julia.
Mark: Yeah, she gave it to me.
Boss: She's not here. She went to visit her parents, out in the country.
Mark: Since when?
Boss: Since yesterday.
Mark: But where did I get this Cornetto?
Ashley: Are you high?
Boss: Shiny.
Ashley: Hey, have you guys ever done drugs?
Boss: Why?
Ashley: Come on, I wanna know. I love gossip. I feed on gossip. I am woman, hear me digest on tabloids and juicy anecdotes. Come on, have you done drugs.
Mark: Define "drugs".
Ashley: You know, like, extacy.
Mark: I have given quite a lot of it.
Boss: I am more of a downer kind of guy.
Ashley: Really? You have done drugs?
Boss: No?
Ashley: Come one, tell me.
Boss: No, tell me about your drug use.
Ashley: Okay. Back when I was 16, I used to smoke pot with with my friend Kerri.
Mark: Dopefiend in the house.
Ashley: Come on, I want to know stuff about you. Mark shares everything about himself, wheter you want to or not, but you never talk about your past. Come on. Tell me something seedy and weird that you have done.
Boss: I have done nothing wrong. Ever.
Ashley: There has to be something unusual and dark in your past.
Boss: No. I'm normal. I'm human. A normal young human male.
Mark: He is right. Except for, like, one one-night stand, he has done nothing weird, ever.
Ashley: Oh, that creepy guys slutty girl?
Mark: That's the one.
Ashley: How did he ever get clean?
Mark: He filled a tub with rubbing alcohol and he burned his bedsheets.
Ashley: So you have done nothing wrong, ever? No juniors running around?
Boss: Nope.
Ashley: No addictions?
Boss: No. Well, I do love to watch the Smurfs, but I can quit anytime.
Ashley: No physical defects?
Boss: I can't grow a beard.
Ashley: No weird obsessions?
Boss: Oh, tons of those
Ashley: Oh, right. But, if you ran for leader of this country, what would they find.
Boss: Nothing. That is my ludicrous claim, and I stand by it.

Then the tape ran out. And my boss thinks that I am pretty and smart, so, all in all, this was a good day.

An apology for the delay in updates.

2008-05-21T10:43:00.002+02:00

I was working on a really funny post, or so I throught. About the man who drives the icecreamtruck. But, when I had written about half a page, it turned out to be not as funny as previously anticipated. Well, it sucked, so I have to come up with a new idea. I know that it shouldn't be so hard to come up with ideas, but things have been quite slow recently.

But that is the nature of blogging, right? Sites have to go through more times of updatelessness than of updating. It am pretty sure that weeks of not updating blogs are part of the rules of owning one. In fact, I think that it is one of the first rules of nettiquette. So, eh, no update untill I come up with a better idea.

It is like Grandpa Windsong says, "Things take the time they take, and you need to wait for them to take their time". Ofcourse, Sergeant Grandpa always says "What is your major malfunction?!? Get of your lazy butt and do some damn work, you maggot! Now, gimme ten jokes and a visual gag!". Well, that's granddads for you.

Ofcourse, there is Grandma Felicitys boyfriend Bubba, who has begun insisting that I refer to him as Grandpa Paris, whose advice is for me to get laid. I have tried to explain to him that my choices are my neighbour, whose special talent for violence combined with her femine touch are something that I need, and that she is therefore not one-night-stand material, also, is not interested in me, romantically, and my assistant, who is, by the way, spending an unusual amount of time here lately, who is way to chipper for me to have sex with and who I cannot afford to lose, right now. He has offered to send a prostitute to my house, but, frankly, there is not enough detergent and rubbing alcohol to clean me and my house after having had a hooker here. Still, it is better than her ex, Mr. Nekrowski, who offered to import a wife from eastern europe, and even throw in the cattleprod for free.

It appears that my apology for not updating has gotten out of hand. So, I should probably stop before this turns into a proper post. So, sorry for the lack of updates. I am sure that I will write a new post any day now.

I need a catchphrase

2008-05-13T09:03:00.002+02:00

Because if there is anything that I have learned after watching a lot of TV-sitcoms, you gotta have a catchphrase. I looked through the archives in order to find something, but it appears that the only thing repeated are a varietion on "Then Ashley beat them up", which is not very T-shirt friendly. I need to write less stories that ends with Ashley storming out of her house and punching everything that moves. Something like "Dy-no-mite!", "Eeeeey" or "Did I do that?". But not those, because those have not only been used, but they are also quite stupid.

"Home is where the ankle monitor is". No, that is a bad catchphrase, though I might make it the site tagline.
"My pants are burning". I don't know what that means, but I can imagine thousands of people chanting it at random times. That is sounds stupid, that is another thing.
"Don't blame the shut-in!". Well, I am stuck in my house. And I don't want to be blamed.
"Gotta go wash my hands". I already says this phrase about 12 times a day. Downside, it sounds insane.
"Gotta get my groove on". Well, I have never actually said this phrase. And I really don't want to. Upside, if I was on TV, that is when the audience would go "WHOOOOO!"
"I know I should do something about this, but I'm not gonna". To long. A catchphrase has got to be short and precise, so even the biggest idiot can repeat it. And the biggest idiot probably will repeat catchphrases. And no way that could fit on a T-shirt. How ever much I like the phrase. I might just use it, every once in a while.
"I dare you". Okay, short and simple. Downside, to ordinary a phrase to copyright. Ofcourse, that is what I throught about "You're Fired".
"Waddami, jinxed?". Sucks.
"Jus' doin' mah time, Boss". Well, I am not in real jail, so it is kind of meaningless.
"Well, thats just stupid". Can't disagree there.

Keepin' a low profile

2008-05-06T21:00:00.002+02:00

There are people from my past out to get me. People that I have not seen for years, but who has tracked me down, people who has wronged me, and will again. That's right, school reunion. I am stuck in my house, so I can neither run, nor hide. Someone even had the gall the send a letter, asking if they could hold it in my house, since I cannot leave. Apparently, as it turns out now, I was quite popular, in school, despite me hating my classmates and everything they stood for. Well, actually they didn't stand for anything. Well, actually I once saw Janet Ravenburgh and Hank Obermeyer stand for nearly two minutes straight. They were having sex up a wall. Weirdest dang prom I ever saw. They made king and queen too.

We threw a burning chair out on the porch. It appears to keep the reunioners at a distance. All the doors and windows have been barricaded, but they are still outside. We have been communicating with Ashley using large cards, from the roof, but according to her, she looked out the window, and 17 guys immediately came over to hit on her. I hid Julia, who, by the way, has been forced to wear a T-shirt saying "I will never again write in someone elses blog, however good my intentions might have been", in the basement. For her own good. She didn't really understand why, but that is because she doesn't know these people like I know them. Or, knew them. Whatever.

I tried the classic method, of yelling "Hey, you kids get of my lawn", but, alas, years of old men screaming this has desensitized them to the point of them hardly reacting, beyond a call for beer. I tried rapping, since the most pathetic thing ever is white people rapping, but it must have become popular sometime after I stopped paying attention to the modern music scene, in the mid-nineties. Have they forgotten the lesson of Vanilla Ice? Well, yeah, who remembers Vanilla Ice?

Anyway, I remember from my school days, that if you do not stop your classmates from waiting to party, they could be waiting for months. Vince Skankbone and Terry Gollyhop had to repeat the ninth grade after waiting three months for a party, outside a random house. Turned out that the owner was 83 years old. Boy, did Vince and Terry get drunk at that wake. Anyway, I needed to cut them off at the root. Luckily, Denby came by, and he is an instant party killer. Really quite facinating. It is like Moses parting the sea. Only, if Moses was a short, weaselly guy and the sea was a bunch of twenty-something slackers running for their cars, since no one cool most be seen in the same place as Denby unless they are A: Physically hurting him or B: Making fun of him. Those are the rules and so shall it be.

Hi, everybody!

2008-04-29T19:30:00.002+02:00

My name is Julia. I am 21 years old, which is actually just a little younger than my boss. I think that he has removed most references to his age, on the blog, but he is actually only in his early twenties. I think that my boss has mentioned me a few times. I am his assistent. My mother knows his mother and his mother knew from my mother that I was looking for a job. It is cool being a personal assistant, and all, but some day I would like to work with animals. I told my boss that, and he said "Oh, allow me to introduce you to Mark". I don't know entirely what he meant by that. Today, I will be writing the blog, because the Master, or Doctor, he was not entirely clear on what he wanted to be called the other day, when he suddenly decided to give himself a new nickname. Oops, forgot what I was writing. Anyway, he always complains that he doesn't update the blog as much as he should update the blog. Between fighting that nasty ol' man out on the lawn, washing his hands and just being lazy, he don't have as much time as you think. Right now, I think that he is watching really old episodes of something called Doctor Who. It is kind of weird, a really old man and his granddaughter and her teachers, and they are travelling in some grey box. Ofcourse, everything is grey in those old TV-shows. My boss likes to go straight to those features that he use, so he has most of his things on that thing where the computer remembers the name and the password, so you just have to press "OK".

So, wauw, I guess that I should tell you what he did, right? Yesterday, that mean old Mr. Denby, did my boss tell you that Mr. Denby yelled at me and ruined that nice sandwich I had made for him, but then my boss made me feel better by shooting stuff at Mr. Denby? Anyway, Mr. Denby was dancing on the lawn, with no pants. It was really gross, with those old man legs. I was glad that he was wearing underwear, but I wish that it was not those tighty-whitys. I would have shot at him, but I forgot to pick the tennis balls up, a couple of weeks ago, and now they are all gone. I told my boss, but he just said "Maybe he didn't deserve to become pan-pan-pantsman!". I don't know what that meant. He said that he would tell me later, after someone had beaten the Dar-legs, or something. But then he had fallen asleep, so I haven't found out yet what he meant. I don't want to go near Mr. Denby, because he is mean, so I called Ashley. She lives right across the street. I like her. She sometimes like to hit people, I once saw her kick a date, after he grabbed her and kissed her on the mouth, but she is fun to hang around with. I am here, most of the time, so I don't get to spend much time with other girls. My boss has said that it is alright for me to take days off, sometime, and that I should just ask, and he would not tell his parents so I would still get paid. It is actually his grandmother that pays my salary, because she is really rich, I don't really understand why, but... Wauw, I have written a lot. My boss always tells me "skip to the end", when I lose concentration while talking, but he is in the other room, and you can't talk to me, since you are all really far away. I guess that it is much harder to write a blog than I throught. Anyway, Ashley ran to Mr. Denby with a baseball bat, and Mr. Denby ran really fast, for a guy with pants around his ancles.

Oh, I can hear my boss asking for a cup of tea, so I better be going.

Hugs and Kisses, Julia.

So apparently my list of potential friends suddenly took a steep dive

2008-04-26T01:18:00.002+02:00

Apparently, me and my little gang is not the hot property that we had previously assumed our selves to be. A lot of the potential friends have turned us down, after the interview. What comes as complete surprises to us and our selfesteems is that a violent chick, a tall, sexcrazed, perpetual partier, a constantly chipper girl and a prisoner with OCD are not the material looked for in friends.

So, we are down to one on our list. And frankly, he failed the interview. He kept asking about what kind of underwear we wore, and what colour. He claimed that it would bring us closer together. And if there is one thing that you do not want to hear from your male friends in that context, it is the word "Commando". So I had to get everything that Mark ever sat on, in my house, disinfected. And that is why I currently has almost no furniture.

I read that Paris Hilton is looking for new friends too

2008-04-24T11:07:00.002+02:00

85.000 wants to be her friend. Bah, I got 85 applicants, quality friend material, all of them. Except for Gangbang Bob, against whom, it turns out, the courthouse will automatically give out restrainingorders if you ask. They always print out an extra batch, so you can give some to other people as gifts. Through strategic handling out of these, he is technically not allowed within ten miles of me.

So much for that. Anyway, we have had some auditions. We have narrowed it down, a bit. Or, we weeded out the worst ones, like Hank Petkiller and Trishia Hitler. She claims that it is short for Hitlerstein, but she still called me ugly. We had some sort of goth, I guess, Bloodsport Q. Ravengood Darkness-McHorrorshow. She annoyed me. On the upside, we had some lesbians in. As it turns out, butch girls are good company. Gotta have at least one of those. Mark wanted us to hire the lesbian photo-model. We tried telling him that he was not gonna score, but he just kept saying "Oh, ye of little faith". Coincidently the exact same words said by Ashley a day later, when auditioning gay men, about Tall Ted Johnson. I am still arguing for the philippine girl.

Have I ever told you about my uncle Brian?

2008-04-20T19:32:00.003+02:00

My uncle was the 1974 world champion in hide-and-seek. They seached everywhere for two days, before they found him, in a cupboard. He competed again in '75, and they searched six months, before they found him, hiding in the same cupboard. No one had throught to look for him, there. It was not until my grandmothers maid Consuella was springcleaning the house, that she opened the cupboard. In '76, being the champion two years in a row, he decided to compete yet again. They searched everywhere, for him, for five years, without as much as a clue to where he was hiding. He was finally declared legally dead in '83, but the seeker never gave up. He frequently searched through my grandmothers mansion. It was not until 1987 that he looked in the cupboard, but no trace of my uncle. The seeker eventually died in 1995, having spend 19 years and millions of dollars on a manhunt spanning the globe. And last week, after 32 years, my uncle was found my a newly married couple in New Zealand, who was moving into their first house together, in a cupboard in the kitchen. They have no idea how he survived, but he seems pretty fit, and excited about the 2008 hide-and-seek championship. The hide-and-seek society has had to have a whole new kind of medal made. It was argued that he cheated, by travelling halfway across the globe, but they were unable to find anything against it in the rulebook, so he has been deemed the champion of the 1976 hide-and-seek championship, and the previous winner, having been found after an hour, hiding behind the curtains, have been stripped of the title. The toughest for my uncle has been how much society has changed. He loved disco. And he was really looking forward to the remake of King Kong. And we can't talk about Happy Days, because he claims that he taped it.

Something weird going on

2008-04-16T11:55:00.001+02:00

Denby is out on my lawn, with a microphone, a loudspeaker, a small screen of some sort and what appears to be eight japanese businessmen. What the heck is he up to... Wait a minute, microphone, japanese businessmen, God help me, it is karaoke!

Dammit, I am out of Tennisballs. I told Julia to pick them up after each use. Oh, they are singing "Feelings". The one day that Ashley is out shopping with her sister, across town. Denby, you sly bastard. Mark is in Dear Town, on work. My only hope is Julia, who appears to be singing "Mandy", with the businessmen.

Well, two of us can play this game. I have one trick left.

Well, it appears that TV has lied to me. Japanese people are not afraid of Godzilla. Or, at least not my Godzilla figure. I am all out of ideas...

Awww, and now the neighbours are joining in. They are singing "We are the champions".

Ah, Ashley got my message. She is returned home, in order to kick ass all over the street. And, she is singing "Final Countdown". What is this strange power that Karaoke has over people?

I need a man who hates people to much to join into karaoke, and who is violent enough to stop them all. One whose very nature demands that he must stop other people from having fun. I need someone like Mr. Tarkanian, Denbys boss. I once saw him eat a dog. In his defence, it was a small dog. A chihuahua that belonged to Janice in accounting. The dog was afraid of Mr. Tarkanian, and to calm it down she said "Oh, that nice man is not going to bite", so Mr. Tarkanian had no choice but to prove her wrong. Either that, or a woman was going to be correct, and that ain't happening around Mr. Tarkanian.

How I have to do this is, I have to call his secretary, leave an anonomous message about people having fun on this adress, and I have to stay away from the windows, so he won't see me. I managed to wave Julia and Ashley inside, but they just want to go back out. If only I was the kinky type, so I would have had some handcuffs, but I have to make due with duct tape. I don't know how long it will take Mr. Tarkanian to asskick everyone not in their house right now, but I pity all those outside.

Going to the movies. Or, staying for the movies.

2008-04-13T22:06:00.002+02:00

So, according to my motley crew... I am now being informed by the Blonde sitting in my couch, that if I refer to my friends as being my motley crew ever again, there will be blood. So, according to my friends, I spend much of my time whining about the things I miss on the outside, so they will, occasionally, attempt to recreate the feeling of those things. For example, I was recently complaining about not being able to go to the cinema. So, they decided to give me a home theater.

By home theater, I mean, ofcourse, that they replaced my chairs with more uncomfortable ones and put them in three rows. I sat in the middle row, and Mark, wearing a tophat, sat right in front of me, chewing the noisiest food available. Behind me sat Ashleys nephew, who was screaming and kicking my seat. Next to me sat Julia, who was laughing inappropriatly and never shut up. Y'know, talking to the screen. "Don't go in there", "Tell her you love her" and "Eat a sandwich, girlfriend", while she swung her arms in a halfcircle and snapped her fingers. I am not sure what brought the last one up. And I have no idea where Ashley got that pizza she was eating. Or why. Who the hell brings food to the cinema?

Anyway, Mark is insistint that we turn this place into a nightclub next time, but clubbing is not one of the thing that I miss. I am not sure what happened, but the last time I went clubbing, I woke up in a tank heading for Berlin. I am not sure what I was doing there, but I found a note in my pocket that said "Milk, sugar, eggs, revenge for WWII", so I have to assume that I was going shopping.

How to make things funnier

2008-04-10T18:50:00.002+02:00

Being stuck indoors, I have to find ways to entertain myself. My blog is one of those things, movies is another. Stuff like that. But, when you have seen everything before, sometimes they need a little boost. For example, the first Indiana Jones movie, a good movie on its own, but try this, imagine that Marion is stinking drunk in all of her scenes. It makes it a whole lot funnier. Make little comments as to her drunkeness.

Indiana Jones II: Imagine that the blonde is a raging slut. Or, ragier slut.

Imagine that Herb and Jamaal, a lame comic if there ever was any, was a meta-comic, pondering over the state of the comic industri through bad art, unlikable characters, clumsy sentences and forced punchlines. It suddenly become an intelligent satire on everything that is wrong with comics today, through amplified imitation.

Oh, the possibilities are endless.

Lookin' for friends in all the right folders

2008-04-09T21:44:00.002+02:00

We have nearly gone through all the applications. We have picked most of the people that we wish to have in for the audition. Black people, gay people, muslim people, and a whole heap of asian girls. We have a guy who might be spanish, we're not entirely sure. The big scoop is a black, gay muslim, which would be a timesaver.

The toughest part turned out to be to explain to Julia why they could not all be my friends. She could sort of understand why the guy with the swastika tattooed on his forehead was not in the running, even if she liked his Charlie Chaplin moustache.

But, if you don't get a callback, rest assured, Julia has declared you all to be her friends. Except for Gangbang Bob, who she decided should probably be left alone, after she read his file. Ashley has declared you all her mortal enemies, and if she ever meets you, she will poke your eyes out with a spoon that she carries in her pockets, for reasons we decided would better be left unanswered. Especially Gangbang Bob. Mark has spend the last 6 hours repeatedly calling hot women from the cast-out pile. Especially Miss Petulia Rinta-Runsala, for some reason. Presumably because she listed her nickname as being "Easy", and her motto as "Easy come, Easy go". I actually knew her back in school. Back then her nickname was "slut" and her motto was "I will have sex with anyone who cares to ask, but are you on the soccer team, you won't even have to ask, just drop your pants and I will be right there". I am happy to see that she refined it a bit. To bad that the monestary didn't work out for her, though.

Anyway, we will be calling around, and remember, no matter what, you will always have a friend in Julia. Except you, Gangbang Bob. You stay away from my home, y'hear?

awakening viciously early

2008-04-07T16:07:00.001+02:00

No, I did not go to bed early. I was awoken, 8 o'clock sharp, by the very feeling of chipperness in my house. Now, I am not a chipper person, and neither is anyone that I know, so this feeling disturbed me. I decided to just jump right into it, and opened my eyes. In front of me stood a late teen/early twenties, , short, redhaired, girl, with the biggest smile I have ever encountered.

"Hi!"
"Hi?"
"I'm Julia".
"Hello Julia".
"Hello!"
"Can I ask you a question, Julia?"
"Sure thing!".
"What are you doing in my house?"
"Oh, I am your new assistant, silly. Your momma hired me".
"Already?"
"Yeah, your momma and my momma are both in the Womens Welfare society, and she knew that I was looking for a job and that you needed an assistant".
"Okay, then".
"Oh, and I talked to your dad, and to answer his question, no, sexual favours are not part of my job".
"That's quite alright".
"Though I'm sure that people who do perform sexual favours for money are nice people".
"I'm sure they are".
A short beat.
"Well".
"Well what?"
"Well, aren't you gonna get up, Mr. Sleepyhead?"
"I might as well".

So, I got up. The newspaper was already in, which was good. What I usually do is that I stick a foot outside the door, and wait for the police to arrive, then ask for them to bring the newspaper. Breakfast has been made. A bowl of cornflakes, a peeled orange, and a cool glass of orange juice. So, I could get used to this assistant stuff. Then Denby showed up, and started dancing on my lawn. I am not entirely sure where he was going with this, but I know that I was slightly annoyed. Julia seemed to enjoy it.

"What a happy, happy man, you got on your front lawn".
"Yep. That's Denby... I think that he might be insane".
"No one that happy can be insane".
I let that comment slide. Denby continued dancing for a couple of more hours, before Julia took pity on him.
"I should bring him something to eat. All that dancing can really make you hungry".
So she made him a sandwhich. A nice one too. And she brought it to Denby. I was watching TV at the time, but from the frontyard I heard.

"Do you think I'm stupid? This is some kind of gag, right? Did your friend spit in it? Did he fill it with chili, so he could laugh at me? Is the filling made of plastic?"
Then he threw the sandwhich to the ground, and Julia came running in crying. Then I had to spend the next couple of hours comforting her, after she ran into my bathroom and locked the door.

"That nasty ol', mean ol' Mr. Denby. I made him a sandwhich, and he just yells at me".
"Yeah, you know, some people are just rotten".
"Why did he do that?"
"That man is not quite right in the head".
"He is just mean".
"That was kind of mean, yeah".
"Do you like me?"
"I guess..."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I think I do".
Then she ran out of the bathroom and gave me a hug. Her smudged make-up made a near perfect smileyhead on my T-shirt. Then I learned her to operate the tennis-ball shooter against Denby, who was still on the lawn.

A word of advice: Never get on the wrong side of a chipper person, because, boy, can they shoot.

So my parents came over

2008-04-06T20:13:00.002+02:00

I got around to tell them about my little... deed. My mother spent the entire day talking about her son, the criminal. "When the ladies down in the Womens Wellfare Society talks about their children, what am I supposed to say? So both your son and daughter are Doctors, Mrs. Aquino? What about your son, Mrs. Smart? A lawyer, really. Mine, oh, he is a criminal who gads about the house all day. Can my son come to the mother-son race? No, he is a vicious felon, who has been locked up for life. NOT THAT HE WOULD HAVE COME ANYWAY!", "Mother, I still have two sisters, don't I? Bring them to the WWS". "Well, we hardly see Amelia, anymore, out partying all night with that homosexual and those weird girls. And Malou, she still lives at home with us, and spends the day eating our food and watching our TV. But at least she is not a disgusting criminal, much less one who commits crimes as an excuse to be lazy. Next you will be smoking pot". "No, I quit that last year. Too hard to find an honest dealer, these days". "Don't say that. No son of mine has ever smoked pot. Say something, Harold!". "Yes, boy, how are you ever going to get a girlfriend, or a squeeze?". "A what? Nevermind. Mother, father..." "Dammit, boy, call us mom and dad". "Mom and dad, it happened, I can chose this or jail". "If you were in a cell with a big guy named Bubba, at least I would be sure that you were getting something". "Hush, harold...". "And I hear that the women dig prisoners. You will recieve proposals and letters from women wanting casual sex by the dozen". "Harold, shut up!". "Yes, dad, please".

So went the day. They insisted that they hire an assistant, for me. Or, mother did. Father wanted to hire me a prostitute, but that notion was vetoed. So, not only do I have to audition for friends, of which we have recieved dozens of applications, but I have to cope with an assistant too.

I should get a themesong

2008-04-04T10:57:00.003+02:00

Something grand, to show how great I am. How about...

[To the tune of "Minnies Yoohoo"]
There's a guy just sittin' in his house
Had some candy stolen by a mouse
Neither fat nor skinny
He heard a horses whinny
Mr. Denby on his lawn.
He rode around on the animal
And claimed to be a cannibal
Ashley will turn her heal
and his horsey steal
And you will hear me sing this song
Oh, the ol' Denby yells OW-OW-OW
Ashley hits with a pow-pow-pow
I laugh Haw-Haw
And then my gawd
There would have been less blood with an old hacksaw.
I have seen Mike Tyson bite an ear off.
And Tyson hit someone in the balls
If horses can smell fear
Denby stinks like a rotten deer
And then Ashley calls out
"BooYaaah".

Alright, maybe not like that. That is more like an ode to Ashleys low patience for Denby and her love of horses. She keeps it in her backyard, now, by the way. Sold her car.

Maybe I should just do what all the newer TV-shows are doing: Steal an already popular song, and use that. Like, Dire Strait's "Heavy Fuel", or, "Stuck in the Middle with You". Or "Boredom", by the Buzzcocks. Maybe "Too Bad" by Doug and the Slugs. Oh, there are tons of songs I could use. "Coconut", by Harry Nilson, "Oh, you pretty things" by David Bowie or "Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again" by Bob Dylan. I throught about House of Fun, but what does a song about buying condoms have to do with being stuck in a house?

Happy Birthday Grandpa'

2008-04-04T10:50:00.002+02:00

86 years old today. Here is to many more.

I got a special program for my computer...

2008-04-03T10:03:00.001+02:00

Yes, uhm, I got this... microphone, that records everything I say. Well, I didn't get it, Ashley got it, and it, eh, it writes what I say, into the, uh, computer. Awfully nifty. No that sounds bad, nifty, no. Uuhm, erase? no, thats not right. There is some sort of code for this here sort... of... thing. In the... Manual, here we are, the manual. Christ, [word unrecognised] Lord, look at this bastard. 250 pages. Wha', it can't spell [word unrecognised]? What the [word unrecognised]? One of the worlds most recognised swears, and it don't know it. Idiots. Now, lets see here. Word commands, I guess. Huh? Yes, and page down isDamn, where did I put the phone? I can hear it, but from where? Ah. Hello? Hello mother. Fine, fine. No, still single. He's fine too. No, he died. Visit you? Mother, you know that I'm... Cripes, I knew that there was something I had forgotten to tell you. Uhm, can I call you later? No, don't put dad on, nonononoHello father. Yes, "dad". Fine. Single. Fine too. Dead. If I am doing what? No, I did not know that phrase. And that's personal. That is not a no. Not a yes either. Still not a no, it is private, is what it is. Dad, I have to go, I am in the middle of something, here. No, not a girl. A work thing. No, don't put mom on, no, hello mother. Yes, I have to go. Give father my regards. Love you too. I will call you later, when I am done here. Bye. "Ride the skinbus to tunatown", crazy old man. Now, where was I, oh yes, the erase command iAlright, now we are cooking. Change line is
Here we go. hehe.
Fun word.
Yes, page up isalrighty, and publish is

I need more minority friends

2008-04-02T11:01:00.002+02:00

I have no openly gay friends, no black friends, no asian friends, no muslim friends. I mean, I know some, but it is not like we hang out. I have a couple of minority friends over the internet, ofcourse, but none in "real life", as it were. It is not as if I go out of my way to not meet any, but it never evolves into friendship.

So, I have decided to hold auditions. Are you in a minority group and want a white friend, come on by. Your age is between 18 and 30. Send a headshot, and a resumé with recommendations from current and former friends, a list of hobbies and interests, and, ofcourse, name, adress, phone-number and your minority.

All auditions will be conducted by myself, Ashley and Mark. To prevent overflow of young, asian, women, Ashley has been asked to audition them alone, as I has a soft spot for asians, and Mark has a soft spot for anything with breasts.

All applications are welcome, including white men and women. Now, this is equal opportunity, but I already have white male friends, so your application may be prioritized lower than other applicants. I know no openly gay people, so your application may be prioritized higher. Otherwise, the applicants will be selected based on the resumé and an interview. It is currently not decided how many minority friends is needed, but it is expected that it would be anywhere between 5 and 20, possibly more. Hope to see you there.

Today is what?

2008-04-01T11:25:00.002+02:00

I was just told that today is the first of aprils, a day to make fun of fools and their jibba-jabba. I then realize that my previous post sounds like an aprils fool. I apologize for that.